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Marvin Cheeseman

Updated: Sat, 19 Jun 2010 10:25 am

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My new book "We Hate It When Our Ex-Lodgers Become Successful" has been published by Cheers Ta - big thanks to Mike Garry and Ant at Summerhouse. It was described in a review by Rob Cochrane as "the latest report from the Launderette of Life", which says it all really. I've also got my own website going now - - there's poems and bits and pieces on there and more to come in the fullness of time. Anyway, here's some stuff from the new book and some stuff not in the new book too.


IF (with apologies to Mr. Kipling) If you can lose your hair when all about you Are keeping theirs and laughing loud at you Yet not let wigs or transplants ever tempt you And not let baldness leave you feeling blue If you can take real pride in your appearance If you can work and not be scared to graft If you can show relentless perseverance Whilst colleagues arse about and just act daft If you can put up shelves that last for ages And help your neighbours decorate for days Knowing that you won't get any wages Or even hear one single word of praise If you can spend your weekends in IKEA If you can do the things that please your wife Then shamelessly pretend you've no idea How your mate lets football dominate his life If you can make one heap of all your earnings And risk it on one horse picked with a pin And never brag despite the constant yearnings Or breathe a word of your colossal win If you can turn your back on television Not just to spend your free time getting pissed And later not regret your brave decision When you hear of all the cracking things you've missed If you can sail a ship across the ocean Or fly a jet and through the heavens climb Become an astronaut through pure devotion Or at least just pass your driving test first time If you can do these things I've never mastered And still get home in time to make the tea Perhaps you'll be a smug, obnoxious bastard But son, you'll be a better man than me. And just when you thought you'd escaped the World Cup.... ENGLAND 1 USA 1 a bouncing bomb ball meets fingers of fudge countless barbecues ruined ENGLAND 0 ALGERIA 0 an unhappy birthday Fabio no longer fab the airport beckons GERMANY 4 AUSTRALIA 0 on the march again the slick, sickening ultimate football machine GERMANY 0 SERBIA 1 we love it when our ultimate football rivals are unsuccessful AN AMBITIOUS YOUNG CHAP FROM DEVIZES An ambitious young chap from Devizes Wrote poems to try and win prizes But the judges weren't smitten With the stuff that he'd written A lot of it didn't even rhyme.

All poems are copyright of the originating author. Permission must be obtained before using or performing others' poems.

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Sun 20th Jun 2010 22:07

Thanks for your comment on my haiku Marvin. I have emailed it to those people you suggested, though I think it probably isn't 'traditional' enough... I'm fully expecting someone to come back to me though, telling me how brilliant it is and offering to publish it if I bung them a tenner. You can get a lot of haikus to one page LOL!

I'm glad to hear your friend Simon will be back with us soon. The politically incorrect is always a lot of fun.

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Greg Freeman

Sun 20th Jun 2010 11:14

Excellent World Cup haiku, Marvin, even if you've moved the goalposts a bit!

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marvin cheeseman

Sun 20th Jun 2010 09:20

Thanks Tomas - have been sending the haiku to HaikuWorldCup - worth having a go at, they're producing an e-book. Once you start you can't stop! all the best to you.

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Tomás Ó Cárthaigh

Sat 19th Jun 2010 11:44

"If" and the world cup poems are so cool!

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