review please

Harvest Moon

The harvest moon is rising in its first quarter, stubborn not to rise fully soon,
autumn air is piercing the woods darkness with its flow.

Yes, the days wane and the pale sun’s feeble light fades as summer dies,
her last veiled days find allure without finesse.

A farewell with sorrow,
she will arise again and we will drink again out of her chalice of golden honey.

Flowers fall like like harvested corn full of hidden promise,
can my soul understand and absorb the nectar mild,
and the air so pure with the dying rays of beauty.
Mon, 5 Jun 2017 02:49 pm
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<Deleted User> (13762)

Rob, hi, I rather like this. There are a few repeated words which I would ditch and for me some of the lines are too long. I copied and pasted with a mind to review and make suggestions but instead have possibly just rewritten your piece completely! Anyway, it was a bit rushed and now I have to dash off and prepare food but here is what I did for what it's worth:

the harvest moon ascends its first quarter
stubborn not to rise too fully or too soon
for autumn air pierces the darkened woods
its song an unwelcome late summer tune

yes, these days do wane my love
the pale sun’s feeble light does fade
her last veiled vestiges finding allure
without finesse in subduing shades

a farewell gift imparts with sorrow
she will arise again and we will drink
from out her chalice of golden honey
on the edge of all our morrows' brink

and flowers fall like field scythed corn
all beauty full of hidden promises
can our souls absorb this nectar mild
these rays of life’s near dying kisses
Mon, 5 Jun 2017 05:12 pm
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Please review, I know this is quite dark and some of it may need some touching up but it's just a first draft ! Love to hear some feedback.

Snow White.
Nose slimes, chem drips down my throat slice.
Sniffling spit the blow fly.
Cascades of emesis, Sinus bled red . Sniffing flakes of flesh an flem.
Razor stained, Tickling my neck again,
As I Dance with death.
The phantom stands demands my breath.
Wrestling the mirrors reflect.
Stare still into the pillars of wreck.
Spirits turn spirit-less,
Liquor fill, Spill and drench.
silent squeals kept, Till the final tears wept.
Maybe I'll be free to lye, Let me mind rest when these demons stop leashing on my iris.
Turn my eyes white , Hatch flys behind my retina.
Greet death, Willing.
Free From this meat sack.
Shed my body leap deep into the bleak black.
Rip the reeds, Gripping me
With clicking brittle teeth like sickle snipped leaves,
when I fall you're free, I'll be boarding the fleet to reborn in glorified dream.
Give me peace.

Mon, 19 Jun 2017 09:32 am
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