Carissa Keely
I breathe in
I breathe in.
Stare at the furious sky.
Am I ready?
What does it mean to die?
Breathe out.
I breathe in.
I’m completely paralyzed.
Fear surrounds me
I fight to be alive
Breathe out.
I breathe in.
My chest rises and falls
Shallowly
Where are my walls?
Breathe out.
I breathe in.
Glimpsing a shadow of you.
Where did you go?
I try to fill your shoes
Breathe out.
I breathe in.
The memory of a sun flashes.
The thunder strikes.
All fear passes.
Breathe out.
I breathe in
I smile at the rain
I am ready.
I’m ready for the pain.
Breathe out.
Please be honest about how you feel about this!! Thanks so much!
Fri, 20 Jan 2017 04:47 am
wow. I love the pace of it. this piece is really beautiful.
Thu, 4 May 2017 08:03 pm
Hi Carisssa,
I have to say that you are selling yourself short with this. I almost passed over it without commenting, but there is something interesting going on in here.
Maybe you are giving too much away with the first stanza, perhaps move it later?
In the second stanza, "I’m completely paralyzed" might work better without "I'm". I think it works better with the flow of the first (wherever that might be now) and is unnecessary anyway, we know you are in the first person from the first line.
Stanza three,
Paralyzed is a word I would normally avoid, but it does work well with the sound of alive, doesn't it?
Fear surrounds me. I would suggest 'enfolds'. It just seems more personal, more intimate even.
'Shallowly' doesn't work for me. And I am confused by the sudden reference to walls. Are you talking boundaries, limits, supports?
Stanza 4, I like this. I like that it raises questions, but they need to be dealt with later.
In 5 you start to resolve the poem as a whole, without giving it out the answers, which is nicely done.
And with the final stanza, you might even finish without the breathe out, or make the last breath something else, a final resolution.
And have a good look at your punctuation, decide which way you want to go with it and make it consistent. It is surprisingly important.
All the above just my thoughts ignore as much as you want of course, it's your poem, not mine.
I hope I have helped a little at least.
Robin
I have to say that you are selling yourself short with this. I almost passed over it without commenting, but there is something interesting going on in here.
Maybe you are giving too much away with the first stanza, perhaps move it later?
In the second stanza, "I’m completely paralyzed" might work better without "I'm". I think it works better with the flow of the first (wherever that might be now) and is unnecessary anyway, we know you are in the first person from the first line.
Stanza three,
Paralyzed is a word I would normally avoid, but it does work well with the sound of alive, doesn't it?
Fear surrounds me. I would suggest 'enfolds'. It just seems more personal, more intimate even.
'Shallowly' doesn't work for me. And I am confused by the sudden reference to walls. Are you talking boundaries, limits, supports?
Stanza 4, I like this. I like that it raises questions, but they need to be dealt with later.
In 5 you start to resolve the poem as a whole, without giving it out the answers, which is nicely done.
And with the final stanza, you might even finish without the breathe out, or make the last breath something else, a final resolution.
And have a good look at your punctuation, decide which way you want to go with it and make it consistent. It is surprisingly important.
All the above just my thoughts ignore as much as you want of course, it's your poem, not mine.
I hope I have helped a little at least.
Robin
Wed, 19 Jul 2017 10:43 pm
Hi Carissa, I really like your composition, must admit I am also thrown by the introduction of the word 'Shallowly'. I get what you are trying to portray with its use. It's like a really nice jigsaw with a piece from another jigsaw forced into it. Love the expressiveness of the whole piece though. Pleasure reading it.
Mon, 18 Sep 2017 01:53 pm