Council House kid with delusions of adequacy. West End accountant who was so good with numbers became a maths teacher (once the school fees were paid). A man who thinks beef wellington is just a meat pie with ideas above its station. A man who's smile is just a lid on a scream. A man who had a stroke on Christmas Day...........

Over and (Almost) Out

Vacant, staring Come what may I had a stroke on Christmas Day I missed the goose, I missed the tree But that fucking blood clot didn't miss me. Just had my second glass of Bolly As they loaded me onto the ambulance trolley. I was in good hands With friends so loyal And I ended up in Salford Royal. 'Do you know what's happened?' 'Do you know where you are?' Well I guess I'm not in the Belgian Bar. 'You've had a stroke And we're really trying: 'You've a one in seven chance of dying' As they injected me with the Blockbuster juice. I felt my bladder getting loose, My eyes were glazed, I couldn't see, But thank you Bob I'll have a P Nurses, doctors, paramedics I saw my name on the closing credits. Near to death, or so I thought, The opinion of a Suit was sought. 'Hello Howard my name's Proctor! Oh Christ thought I just carry on doctor. 'We got you in time Thanks to your friends So this isn't where the story ends. We'll fix you up, Have no doubt, We'll slice your neck, We'll clear you out. We'll stitch it back And make it neat. Frankenstein never looked So sweet'. And there it is And here I am, Three quarters of a nearly man. Scarred for life But I'll survive, I'm just pleased to be alive,,,,,,,

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