You went from A to Z
then poor bastard,
ended up with me.

Amanda was far to anal, or was it that she didn't like it that way?
Bette's body while not to your taste was simply divine, what scared you however was her sharpness of mind.
Clarissa came far to quick, given your lack of prowess in this area - even you knew she was faking it.
Donna such a dramatic dame, shame as a former sexual acrobat with you in the sack she became so lame.
Elizabeth's equestrian talents had mummy ecstatic with your choice, but you could not stand four months let alone forever of listening to her china crunching voice or looking wistfully at her face, so like that of her horse.
Ferdinand was such a great lover, with great passion you were over come. In a jealous rage you stupidly accused him of screwing your mum. You have often wondered if he was the 'one' and on your mind it has preyed; but do not worry my love, it wasn'y your mum but Marcia the maid, when they were alone it was not simply the table that was laid.
Georgina was too much of a gemini, you never knew if she was Gina or George besides of her mood swings you became utterly bored.
Hilda was ever so hot, arms like great hunks of meat, how embarrassing finding out she was nowt but a common thief!
Imogen was an inspiration, but daddy wouldn't have it - said her mother looked far too indian.
Jimbo had you jumping out of your closet, but mummy and daddy saw him off with a rather fat financial deposit.
Katie seemed a rather nice girl, till you found out about her bondage sessions with her karate instructor Karl.
Lisa was only after leaching your loot.
Melanie's melons were far too massive and so too was her mouth.
Naomi never took an interest in you.
Oprah alway opposed your point of view.
Pamela was ever so pretty, her language though ever so shitty.
Queenie was not amused when you threw out his collection of stiletto shoes.
Rodger wasn't much of a fuck, not surprising with his little squat cock.
Stella was a stripper and boy could he dance, you were mighty impressed by the size of his lance.
But he blew you off and not in the way you'd have wanted, your love for him was completely unrequited.
Tina the TV whom you thought exotic, and downstairs had a wonderful designer gear stick, but upstairs was to many sandwiches short of a picnic.
Ursula was the real thing, she'd even had removed her ding a ling, but what a turn off you found inverted droopy skin.
Victor was very virile and a nice bit of rough, but that affair ended when you caught him and daddy in the buff.
Xena wasn't quite X rated enough for your tastes and on finding your magazines left in great haste.
Yolanda's yodelling scared the dogs, besides nobody liked her children such little trogs.
Zoe the zoologist with whom you thought you could become such a beast. With relish the tabloids did feast, dedicating a whole page, to the fact your butler James found you locked in a cage.

Then of course there is me, cousin Imelda, an apple fallen not very far from the family tree. I'm afraid it was a bit of a conspiracy, you see. To join us in holy matrimony.
Of course I always knew you were frightfully freaky, but as harmless as harmless can be and that is why I simply had to agree.
I can put up with your many eccentricities, as long as I keep this thought in my head, a few years from now mummy and daddy will be dead and all that lovely money that is rightfully yours I will inherit instead!

What a voluptuous tale of gold digging! A fab morality tale -- with a feast of flaky characters... a delicious abecediary of dating nightmares. I'd love to hear you read this -- it's uproarious!
Excuse any typos -- have misplaced my specs and am typing with the help of a very heavy magnifying glass.

Thank you so much Moxy, I didn't like to say anything about it but this poem or possibly more me bombed in Wigan on Thurs - I was terrified it was the poem as I know I'm definitely more of a poet than a performer, I was really worried about putting it on the thread in case everybody said it sucked!

So you have just made my night - I can't see any spello's but I'm a very short sighted witch!lol.

xxxx

This is good stuff.

As I was bombed that night I dont know why it bombed, however reading it aloud in my head, it maybe could have a performance version.

this way you could punch the lines and get through the a to z faster.

it may be becuase the audience knows forwell that you are going to list the alphabet, so you may need a fast punchy delivery.

how long did it take to perform maggie?

its a good piece of work, I enjoyed reading it.

You're right about punchy delivery, Pete -- my guess, Maggie, is that nerves either got you flying too fast through it, or made you peg each line down. Also, with Pete bombing, too, my guess is that the audience just weren't at the point of delivery for poetry. That can happen. If the audience aren't on the poetry wavelength there's very little you can do about it -- except don't give up and don't feel bad. It happens to all of us, Wear it as a badge of hnour!

Hi Peter and Moxy,
Thanks for the review, I think I was very drunk and I didn't do the poem justice - as I don't think I'm very good at comedy and Peter your probably right, I don't know how long I was on but I did struggle to read it - I am short sighted - should wear glasses - but I always lose the buggers something me and you have got in common Mox,
So I probably read it slowly, I also read another short one Monkeying Around which is a dig at Homophobes as I didn't want people thinking this is a gayist poem as it's not, it's actually more about class.
I think maybe I'll try and perform it sober and see how it goes, thanks for the advice guys.

Moxy Peter didn't bomb - he was bombed (very drunk) he was hilarious with his Lynx effect poem and his unique compering style, you would have loved it.

Moxy would you consider coming to the Howcroft on Sunday?

Peter are you coming? Phil is would be good to see your old table duet performed!

Once again thanks for the feedback my lovelies - keep inspiring us all.


Love and laughter.

xxx

Apologies -- misread -- tired eyes -- brain preoccupied. Ah well. Drunk in charge of a poetry performance -- is that an arrestable offence?
Sorry, can't get to Howling Cough: I live too far away, public transport dwindles to nowt on the sabbath.

Aww that's a shame - maybe you could come to the Octagon night sometime though I think they are midweek. The next one is the 26th of September.

Where do you live maybe one of the others may live near you and could give you a lift?

xxxxx

Going out at night is often a problem due to husband with ME.... It's an unpredictable illness.

Ahh sorry honey, I have a friend who suffers from the same thing - it must be very difficult for you - maybe we'll all have to invade one of your gigs in the future, so we all get to meet up.

I would love to see you perform, sounds exciting.
xxx

I couldn't picture this one being performed, but it would be great published.
My only problen is, doesn't the alphabet have a "w" in it? Lol it's great poem anyway"

oops, well spotted Cayn.
Thanks for your honesty.
xxx

You're entitled to abbreviate the alphabet in the name of poetry, Maggie. I tend to chuck lots of letters out of ords. See, I threw out a 'w' there. It's part of the un.
Cayne is thinking of Waggon Wheels -- BISCUITS. That's why he spotted it.

Actually that is pretty accurate, damn, rumbled again!!

That's right Moxy and in this post you will find I am only using one vowel.
Doh!

Ono Vowol Mr Doftoo? Ono vowol ovor ond ovor ogoon. Doh.

I can always spot the biscuit clues, Cayn Sugar!

I am writing an A-Z of Glovers, people in the glove manufacturing trade at any level. Shakespeare's dad was a maker of gloves. Bill Blake's dad sold gloves (and socks and nightcaps). A family's professional involvement with gloves can prompt a person to turn to poetry. I intend to miss most of the alphabet out and just write a couple of lines.