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Work In Progress

When you think about that day
when you just had no motivation
all your energy gone
lacking concentration
you feel like a failure
and life will never be good
maybe drinking more
perhaps going off your food
being so afraid
that you will never feel okay
that youll never get through this
this stupid ridiculous day

think about that day
and multiple it by seven
then multiply that by four
your one single day is heaven
compared to the months
that some of us endure
that some of us manage to wake up to
and drag our feet along the floor

we're not lazy, pathetic, or stupid
attention seekers or weird
we just want our bed
so we can drown out our fear
but sometimes that fear
can keep us wide awake at night
never mind your ghosts and ghouls
only thoughts are enough to fright

you see the point
is not to point at you
but to make you think that maybe
just maybe
we could all make it through
if you could just see that ears are blind to words
and some words you hear taste bitter
theres NOTHING you cant do
if you change those words for the better

I cant, “you can”
but I cant, “you will,
you just need to get on with it”
and then comes the chill
that only comes when someone says
just get on with it! Get it done!
But they dont realise the difficulty, in so many ways
I can even begin to explain to you right now what Im thinking or feeling or what I want to do
but im okay
because society will just tell me, what I should do...
Thu, 25 Feb 2016 09:08 pm
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Peter John Hitchen

Hello, Becky.

This has the atmosphere of a declarative poem, one that's pleading with the listener/reader for understanding. You've certainly managed to convey the desperation that the narrator is enduring. That the cause of the distress is never revealed adds to the quality of the piece.

I can see that it is a 'work in progress' but you should give it a 'working title'. That title might change by the time the piece is finished but it's always a better idea to give an interim title, I think. I might perhaps look again the ending. Up to that point, you have kept the atmosphere personal as though directly communicating with the reader. Then you widen it out to a societal conversation - I'm not sure that choice adds to the piece. Of course, it's all subjective but in my opinion, it would have been better to maintain the personal nature of the writing.

I think that the piece shows your confidence as a poet (in spite of the subject at hand) so well done.
Thu, 31 Mar 2016 10:00 am
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