stalker

comes again to haunt
taunts me with its lecherous smile
of those old pleasureable sins i thought dissipated
oh! how elatedly it sneers-my guilt!
seems built for all my days and one
it senses that sense it
watching it pouring salt into self inflicted wounds
restricted by its sightless cage
nor did anyone teach me of impending millstones
or,did i inherit them? more than, more than likely
following in dads rutsteps-oh-oh! (dead and funny)
stuck in grooves created
him,belated,me cursing-me! and cursing
worse thing though is, ending up here,EXCRETIA STATION
on an overused ticket

(Amendment to 'Stalker')

stalker

comes again to haunt
taunts me with its lecherous smile
of those old pleasureable sins i thought dissipated
oh! how elatedly it sneers-my guilt!
seems built for all my days and one
it senses that I sense it
watching it pouring salt into self inflicted wounds
restricted by its sightless cage
nor did anyone teach me of impending millstones
or,did i inherit them? more than, more than likely
following in dads rutsteps-oh-oh! (dead and funny)
stuck in grooves created
him,belated,me cursing-me! and cursing
worse thing though is, ending up here,EXCRETIA STATION
on an overused ticket

Hi K,

I think the rhyming of taunt and haunt is effective as it creates an unsettling feeling having the end and beginning of a line rhyme, in keeping with the theme of the poem. It is continued with dissipated and elated, developing the off kilter structure. Quite disturbing in itself.

Sightless cage puzzles me but this seems to be about someone struggling with their own sense of guilt, are they the stalker? Who do they stalk and why?

The personification of guilt, and indeed the transference of guilt onto the father suggest this is an individual unable or not prepared to accept responsibility for their own actions.

Once this line has been crossed the individual is capable of anything, however terrible.

Exrecia Station - the end of the line?

An intersting and thought provoking piece of writing, not more than a little disturbing. I'd like to know what you were thinking when you wrote it.

hi neil-hope you are well.sorry for late reply,and thanks for your review.i have only recently tried writing in this style,so i hope you will forgive me if it was lacking in clarification.your comments are extremely interesting,and just the type of response i was hoping for.personally,i hoped it would come over as reasonably simplistic.but there again anything that is written on a personal basis might be ignorantly assumed by the writer,albeit in an innocent way nevertheless.basically its aim is one of as we all are,quite frequently reminded of old regrets and so on.in that sense,to me,its the inescapable mechanics of the mind we all endure? the reference to sightless cage goes hand in hand with that assumption,-encumberances as it seems.one of a walling in by lifes downsides.as to you suggesting transferring guilt?perhaps yes,perhaps no,since i did in my using-or-in that line thereby questioning the possibilty re inherting etc.i do agree entirely with stating having crossed the line.yes one would have a free hand if they intended to off-load the guilt.whereas,in my case,the fact that i am hurt by past guilt might mean that- i-have absorbed it.lastly as to excreta station-being the old destination i go to when youthful faults come to haunt and taunt! hence the over-used ticket i wish my reminders would allow me to tear up! i really do thank you for your helpful comments and hope this has clarified the writing.can you suggest improvements please? thanks-k

sorry for mix up with names neil-used my daughters login-had mislaid my own-all sorted now-k bernard

Dear K

I don't think you've quite got the hang of this site.

We don't provide a critique service for either your or anyone else's poems.

Rather we expect contributors to provide a poem for critique and in return we expect that you will critique other people's poems.

You will find that if the process is all one-way that people will stop reading/commenting on your contributions. Similarly, if you put up a series of poems people tend to switch off.

Hope this helps you in the use of the site

Comes again

The haunting
taunting
me
with lecherous smile
pleasurable sins long dissipated.

oh!
how it sneers my guilt
handed down
Farther to son
built for ever and a day

Comes again

The sensing
Tensing
when
pouring salt into self inflicted wounds
restricted by sightless cage.

Oh!
no-one taught of impending millstones
handed down
Farther to son
on an overused ticket

Comes...

The haunting.
The taunting.
The lecherous smile.
Pleasurable sins long dissipated.

It sneers my guilt,
handed down
Father to son, built
for ever and a day.

Comes again...

The sensing.
The tensing.
Pouring salt into
self inflicted wounds..

No-one taught of
impending millstones
handed down father to son
on a ticket expired.

I lkie the noise here the sensing tensing ing words

Well, some good editing has turned it into a poem. Exclamation marks have no place in poetry (IMHO) and 'excretia' isn't actually a word, so good riddance to all that lot.

Me? I'd take out the cliches too, so...


Comes...

The haunting.
The taunting.
The smile
of dissipated sin.

It sneers at my guilt,
built forever.

Comes again...

The sensing
The tensing
The pouring of salt
upon the wounded


No-one taught of
impending millstones
handed down on an expired ticket .

*
IMHO there's no poetry in plonking the verb after the noun.i.e. 'Ticket expired'

I'd hack alot more off it, but I guess I'd better leave something.

Jx