I was talking to a friend of mine on the internet about what sort of dad I had wanted to be before and after my diagnoses, This got me thinking about the thoughts that went through my mindat the time.

Richer, tomorrow

For that richer tomorrow
I had only planned it yesterday
There, it lies, fragmented
Desolate in the hallway of my mind
That blue print, MY blue print
Ground into the carpets weave
'Worlked over' by an industrial vacuum cleaner
Parts flake off, my future floats away
Like the ashes from a burning fire
They say I’ve got an involuntary tremor
Or this Parkinson’s gig
Why me WHY MEeeeeeee!
I’ve got a wonderful wife
She doesn’t deserve all this
And my boys, MY BOYS
They are only young
They don’t want a dad
On meds destined for a wheelchair
Fingers crossed for tremor

I went to see this specialist today.
‘One more test for you, Mr Golding’
BASTARDS, I’VE GOT PARKISON’S
That’s it life over, totally screwed
Why couldn’t you tell me four years ago?
When I started putting my family through it
Started four long years of study
For a degree i can't use
My future, a huge metal climbing frame
Twisted into impossible shapes
Fashioned by this, this jug-naught thing!
Why me God?
Why couldn’t the truck turned off earlier
Instead of me being up the junction
My whole LIFE is down the pan
My plan, My plan
My ………..flush

Dawns first awakenings rush into my mind
In the hallway of my mind sits my phone
The green answering machine light flashed
On off, on off, on off ON
Was I actually dreaming?
Pressed the listen button, eh
“This is deep thought”, this voice said,
“we have come up with a plan”.
I splashed cold water on my face
Starred at this bloke in the mirror
Then my face light like a 200watt light bulb
YES, if I just do this, tweak that
I HAD a plan, I can achieve, I will achieve
That metal frame is forged anew
Got myself a new flexible enabling plan
Got choice, got my goals
Parky will always be nipping at my heals
But for now Parky mate,
I’m in charge
Its two fingers to you.

© Phil Golding 9th October 2007

Hi Sophie

Yes I do use poetry to help me cope with Parkinson's. In a world when nerve fibres are not always mine to control I revel in in a written world of my creation, one which I hold the helm.
Poetry helps considerably.

Strange as it may seem. Parkinson's, in my situation, has become more enabling. If someone had told me twelve months ago, thats when I started writing, I would be performing on stage their sanity would have been questioned.


What I want to to do with my work is to try and help fellow suffers cope, if I can

cheers
Phil

Phil, I particularly enjoyed this piece.

Im a big fan of close to the bone autobiography stuff.



great

Cheers for the feed back Peter


This one really does ride close to the bone. I new this poem was spot one as it upset me, how close the truth it was.

It is the best format to just tell it how it is.

Might read it tonight

Phil

Great stuff Phil,

yes what I found when writing was to 'search' out feelings (sometimes I will use music to evoke) then try and catch the mood

that is what I see in your poem.

sometimes its easy to try and just find words to rhyme but that's not being true to your heart, its better to miss out rhyme words if they don't genuinely fit, unless its part of nonsense kind of deliberate thing, I don't mean you have done that but its a trap to watch out for

wow its such fun and a great craft for us all to enjoy.

Phil I look forward to the next poem

how did you feel reading it out?

Hello Peter

I save this poem for National Mental Health Day, which is tomorrow. I will be reading it out on stage Sale Civic Theatre.

I will read it again at the Howcroft. I was coming to Oldham but other matters have come up.

regards

Phil

Nice rhythm and rhyme hidden in your lines... I think this would work particularly well as a spoken poem. Good luck with the performance.

Thank you Frances for your kind words.

I have performed the poem twice now and each time it has evoked a strong supportive reaction. For disabled poeple like myselft it helps me frame my feelings and hopefully give insight into how it felt to be diagnosed with Parkinson's.

I think that we, as in society, should try many avenues to achieve effective commincation. Poety lends itself well as it is a personal yet flexible channel for disabled people to become the teacher to enable society to understand.

I could go on for hours but will get off my soap box for now.

Thank you once again

Phil