Melissa

I want to know if my poem is good / bad.. All of it ..



I wonder if I ache, if it breaks me, Can you use me again?

The same is a return to the denied! The return of a slain wish to rich for a slave soul to spend time!
scattered shells -secrets of time- lustful lies cocooned to long -Lavender smell kept so wet turned sour like the soul left behind.
Blood feels always wet when it never dries, open wounds never heal when their filled with lies. My color red,blue,grey, aquamarine, I can no speak to say you see, I don't!
will you tell me the color my soul choose to bleed.
I see nothing but wet that will not dry I can not see behind me, when will I dry.? When will my angle of sight grow wise? when can color play with my soul? NEVER! the answer best described by the cold steel secrets, engraved on sharp steel slowly placed inside....
I can not see! I feel words of lust, I bleed the lies, that turn into cold steel slowly placed inside .
sacrifice No sweet song ,shed no water, break no lie- for a promise to grow?
i can not see behind I feel wet. A slab of promises kept me company, kept me dry.
Bold red separated from sight- when awe is bright orange, I told the space, I would never see a lie so strong to keep what I can not see alive!
I beg ,.,...I call my harmonic secret love to pull at the engraved steel that I can not see I feel the wet from its tounge when it split in two from the taste of my color from my soul on the engraved steel I can not see I can not see behind me the sun reminds me to ask never have you never won?
she let your color change to steel......that was what I won!
my color feels wet! I won engraved words fired on cold steel placed inside! make my color wet white lined lies fired on cold steel .
I can not see, I feel wet... my color crys to the angels of lustful lies, let me dry! or let me die.
coldest twin moon, i ask?
The Blue one who  cowards in the sky !
when will my colors not fade?
when will i dry? Oh please when will Love Die?
Written by:
Melissa Durbin Ryon. 12/16

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Sat, 16 Feb 2019 09:56 am
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Right Melissa, here's my two penneth, for what it's worth (I'm no expert).
You seem to have a really broad vocabulary, and use it well. Subject matter, for me at least, seems to get a bit lost and I think it's down to two things, (and please bear in mind I could be totally wrong and talking utter bollocks).

For me it is over worded, more like a rough version that you're trying to distil down, and maybe not that much more. But as it's very long, it feels to me like, if you make the overarching message really clear in your mind and insist that each word must either help you towards expressing that or be cut, then it might become that well honed final draft. And it might be as little as a few words in total.

And structure and form. Please bear in mind I speak as a dyslexic now. If I read something really long, I find that it's such a hard job to concentrate, that it really helps if the piece has some form of narrative rhythm (I don't mean like a "Da dum De dum De dum, type thing) but it helps if it flows off the tongue a little.

I have to say that given my little learning disability, I tend to half read, half feel my way through the written word and if I read something out loud I really like to enjoy the process of saying the words as well as understanding their narrative flow. It's probably why I tend to always rhyme but I'm not advocating that, prose is just as pleasurable and often more apt for the subject matter.

Now, two things. Firstly as I said, I am no expert so could be talking complete bollocks, but I tried to honestly critique your work from my point of view.
Secondly, in answer to your original question, "Is it good?" The answer to that my friend is, it's good if you think it's good.
I think it's good, to be clear. I feel there's something even better, even clearer and slightly more succinct in the next layer down but what I would say is, if you're happy with it's content and structure, then that's where you say, "Balls to everyone else's opinion, it's what I wanted it to be."

Most important of all, please don't stop writing, it seems to me that you have really great potential to knock out a few proper classics and I would very much like to read them.

I'm so sorry it took so long to reply, been meaning to do it for days, but you know, life gets in the way.

Hope that helps, and remember, I'm just another person doing exactly what you are, so it's just an unqualified opinion but I do genuinely hope, a helpful one.

Jason Bayliss.
Sat, 2 Mar 2019 10:07 am
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Hope you don't mind I just copied and pasted it here to change the lay out a bit, so I can read it more clearly.

I completely take it back about the words, I wouldn't change or remove any of them, but I'd stand by the structure and form comments.

Now my stupid old dyslexic eyes can read it properly, I'd have to say, yes Melissa, yes it's very good.

Very, very good.

Jason.



I wonder if I ache, if it breaks me, Can you use me again?

The same is a return to the denied!

The return of a slain wish to rich for a slave soul to spend time!

scattered shells -secrets of time- lustful lies cocooned to long -

Lavender smell kept so wet turned sour like the soul left behind.

Blood feels always wet when it never dries,

open wounds never heal when their filled with lies.

My color red,blue,grey, aquamarine, I can no speak to say you see,

I don't!, will you tell me the color my soul choose to bleed.

I see nothing but wet that will not dry I can not see behind me, when will I dry.?

When will my angle of sight grow wise?

when can color play with my soul? NEVER!

the answer best described by the cold steel secrets,

engraved on sharp steel slowly placed inside....

I can not see! I feel words of lust, I bleed the lies,

that turn into cold steel slowly placed inside .

sacrifice No sweet song ,shed no water, break no lie-

for a promise to grow?

i can not see behind I feel wet.

A slab of promises kept me company, kept me dry.

Bold red separated from sight- when awe is bright orange,

I told the space, I would never see a lie so strong to keep what I can not see alive!

I beg ,.,...I call my harmonic secret love to pull at the engraved steel that I can not see I feel

the wet from its tounge when it split in two from the taste of my color from my soul on the engraved steel

I can not see, I can not see behind me,

the sun reminds me to ask never have you never won?

she let your color change to steel......that was what I won!

my color feels wet! I won engraved words fired on cold steel placed inside!

make my color wet white lined lies fired on cold steel.

I can not see, I feel wet... my color crys to the angels of lustful lies,

let me dry! or let me die. coldest twin moon, i ask?

The Blue one who cowards in the sky !

when will my colors not fade? when will i dry?

Oh please when will Love Die?


Written by:
Melissa Durbin Ryon. 12/16

Sat, 2 Mar 2019 10:32 am
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