OK, time for me to 'put up or shut up' I think. I don't really mind if you think it's bollocks and I am well aware that it is a bit clunky in places and I would love some suggestions on how to overcome this. Advice on punctuation would be useful too...I never quite knew whether to capitalise all of the first words in the line or not.

All tips and advice gratefully received (honest!).

: )


Grandmother’s secret intrigued them,
but nobody sought to enquire.
Why pry? Why intrude?
It would only seem rude
She’d deny it, with eyes that flashed fire.


It would just spoil the fun she was having,
to ask why she seemed to walk taller?
So, nobody questioned the unspoken truth
about Grandmother’s Gentleman Caller.


No-one had met him, not even a glimpse,
save the occasional letter.
Swiftly snatched up and hidden away,
No-one asked, for they all knew her better.


Many days she would smile -
with a skip in her step.
She would dance to a tune in her head
But soon it would fade and -
A shadow would fall.
She often retired to her bed.


More than once she slipped off, for over a day,
with a wry little smile on her mouth.
When pressed she would say ‘It’s not your affair -
I have most urgent business down south.’


Then, on the train, she met an old friend
as she pressed a glass heart to her lips
When asked, she replied (with that look in her eye)
‘I’ve a specialist checking my hips’.


But no-one enquired, nobody pried
Just pleased at the spirit she showed.
She’d return looking great -
With a blush on her cheek,
And something inside her which glowed.


Then came the day when she snapped ‘Go away!’
as they asked for the cause of her crying?
‘But we’ll buy you another one, bigger and better -
It’s only a cyclamen dying!’

The letters stopped coming the following spring
She retired to her bed for six weeks -
And, never again, did anyone see
that sly smile and the blush on her cheeks.

____________________

They were found in a book,
in a box,
in a drawer,
with a necklace…and rosy glass heart.
Two sonnets (quite sweet)
A ghazal (not too bad)
but, mostly, ‘free verse’ at the start.

Some were funny, some sad
Some were really quite bad
Some showed talent - well, after a fashion.
But, all of them pointed to some hidden life -
And a secret of unfulfilled passion.

He wasn’t ‘that bad’, they smiled at the thought,
This must be the gentleman caller.
A man whose fine words
Could charm down the birds
And make grandma look two inches taller.
______________


As they sorted her things,
The butterfly wings,
The earings and stones from Tiree,
Unspoken, they knew,
what they all had to do.
Not one of them didn’t agree.

So, the poems went with her
to, wherever folks go -
when they aren’t around here anymore?
United by fire -
And an undying love,
The words that made both their hearts soar.



As those words turned to ash
and memories too,
the stories grew smaller and smaller.
But they all made sure
Grandpa never heard -
about Grandmother’s Gentleman Caller.


____________________

Jx

A charming story John. I am not going to tear the structure to shreds cos I can't give a rat's arse about structure - it's too late in the evening and sometimes I just like to lose myself in the story. You do paint a vivid story here - sex and romance for the elderly - there's hope for me yet LOL x

John
I like your poem.
It does need tightening up. Read it through in a weeks or two
I feel sure you will see what needs doing.

1st verse
Full stop after enquire.
Suggest" flashed with fire"
2nd verse
Suggest replacing "seemed" with appeared.
I am sure others will chip in John . Good work.

I really enjoyed this poem and to be honest i love the sentiment within the story line so personally i wouldn't change a thing.
I agree with Val about the full stop. Seemed as opposed to appeared? Must admit to this mistake often in my own work. Can never quite decide which one is most appropriate. Over to you i guess on that one.

Sorry if my comment isn't very constructive but it's all i feel qualified to say. Sometimes the 'repetition' to get a point across is negligible but can enhance a piece too. In my opinion. :-)
In this case i mean the repetition towards reinforcing grandmas ways.

I'll be following other comments and critique on this for my own interest and learning experience.

Janet.x

Hi John,

And a belated welcome to WOL. After recent events I am (hopefully understandably) a little hesitant to enter into detailed crits. I, like you, had suspicions from the start, but, trusting soul that I am, was prepared to give the benefit of my doubt. I'm not sure what to make of the situation now. Someone certainly has a whole barrowload of their own issues and agendas.

I'm no authority on poetry, just read a lot and write a little - of dubious quality! No academic background, but have done a little judging in fairly major comps. Reviewing/crits/appraisals are always fraught with dangers, especially when they are in-depth, honest and objective. I totally understand why; it's that one little word - ego.

I would reassure you that I'm definitely not an angry person, have no hidden issues or agendas but, in the modern idiom, try to do exactly what it says on the tin. Hopefully I will get time to give you some kind of feedback in the near future, although from what I've briefly seen, you are most definitely on the right track.

It seems appropriate to quote Sir Walter Scott's epic "Marmion" at this point:

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave,
When first we practise to deceive!"

I feel like I got suckered.

Regards,

A.E.

Many thanks. All suggestions have now been incorporated into the poem and they have all improved it. It's funny how you don't notice the tiny changes you could make even after reading it a hundred times.

It's definitely one where the 'clunkiness' is ironed out if read aloud, I can set the rhythms up better vocally. One day I'll write something that stands up both on the page and the voice.

It's sort of a true story too...well, the first half is. The second half is me imagining how it might all end.

Thanks again for giving it your time and attention. Most grateful.

: )

Jx

Hi John,

Am now ready to give this a go:

Grandmother’s secret intrigued them,
but nobody sought to enquire.
Why pry? Why intrude?
It would only seem rude
She’d deny it, with eyes flashed with fire. (two instances of "with" here - suggest: eyes flashing with fire.)


It would just spoil the fun she was having,
to ask why she appeared to walk taller?
So, nobody questioned the unspoken truth
about Grandmother’s Gentleman Caller.


No-one had met him, not even a glimpse,
save the occasional letter…
swiftly snatched up and hidden away,
No-one asked, for they all knew better. (syllable short on this line suggest: knew her better.)


Many days she would smile…
with a skip in her step…
she would dance to a tune in her head
but soon it would fade and…
…a shadow would fall.
She often retired to her bed. (you might wish to think about using hyphens/dashes instead of commas, this usually helps the reader as in: a shadow would fall - she often retired etc.)


More than once she slipped off, for over a day,
with a wry little smile on her mouth. (smile on her mouth reads a little awkwardly, as the reader's expecting smile on her face. With the potential face/place rhyme not too tricky to adjust.)
When pressed she would say ‘It’s not your affair…
…I have most urgent business down south.’


Then, on the train, she met an old friend
as she pressed a glass heart to her lips
When asked, she replied (with that look in her eye)
‘I’ve a specialist checking my hips’.


But no-one enquired, nobody pried
Just pleased at the spirit she showed.
She’d return looking great…
…with a blush on her cheek
And something inside her which glowed.


Then came the day when she snapped ‘Go away!’
as they asked her why she was crying? (another syllable short - perhaps: asked of the cause of her etc.)
‘But we’ll buy you another one, bigger and better…
…it’s only a cyclamen(’s) dying!’

The letters stopped coming the following spring
She retired to her bed for six weeks…
And, never again, did anyone see
a (that?) sly smile…and (the?) a blush on her cheeks.

_____________________


They were found in a book…
in a box,
in a drawer,
with a necklace…and rosy glass heart
Two sonnets (quite sweet)
A ghazal (not too bad)
but, mostly, ‘free verse’ at the start.

Some were funny, some sad
Some were really quite bad
Some showed talent…well, after a fashion.
But, all of them pointed to some hidden life…
…and a secret of unfulfilled passion.

He wasn’t ‘that bad’, they smiled at the thought,
This must be the gentleman caller.
A man whose fine words
Could charm down the birds
And make grandma look two inches taller.
______________


As they sorted her things…
the butterfly wings,
the earings and stones from Tiree,
Unspoken, they knew,
what they all had to do.
Not one of them didn’t agree.

So, the poems went with her
(to), wherever folks go…
..when they aren’t around here anymore(?)
United by fire…
…and an undying love,
the words that made both their hearts soar.



As those words turned to ash
and memories too…
the stories grew smaller and smaller.
But they all made sure
Granddad never heard… (Granddad - two stressed syllables - maybe try: that Gramps?)
about Grandmother’s Gentleman Caller.

Technically it's pretty good - nothing that can't be simply ironed out. I like narrative poetry anyway. It's gentle, direct, with a story that flows well. A few cliches in there, but I guess the potential audience for this one wouldn't mind that too much. You might want to adjust some punctuation. I think the ...s are superfluous and I generally favour capitals only for the beginning of sentences. Dashes can be useful - a bigger "signpost" to flow for the reader than commas.

The title might need thinking about, as for me it gives too much away, whereas the text leads the reader into the mystery much more slowly. Maybe something like "Meeting of Minds?"

Hope this is helpful. Feel free to get back to me if I can be of any further assistance.

Regards,
A.E.

Thank you for all that effort. One of the things you picked up on was actually an 'improvement' that had been suggested by another reader, so I think I'll revert to the original (I'd already re-edited it before you got round to your second view).

I will try and work in the other ideas.The observation that some readers might overlook certain obvious failings because of the content is a particularly interesting idea. I personally found the 'tum te tum te tum' rhythm a tad tiresome...but somehow, once started, couldn't get away from it...and it adds, in an odd way, to its charm, I guess....if you like that sort of thing.

Apropos of another thread...this poem is derived entirely from 'catharsis'. It is a true-ish story, that I just had to 'get out', and now I have.

Thanks again.

You are a gentleman (and a scholar).

Cheers

John x

Well, I've incorporated alot of the suggestions and fiddled with the punctuation and I do have to admit that it is much improved.

I will make sure Grandma gets a new copy!


: )

Jx

Hi john, this seems a tad late, there is so much to read and comment on at the moment, that I'm getting behind, and been having a writing splurge myself at the moment but find that I am overthinking and rewiting things, when sometimes it's just best to leave things alone.

Trust your instincts and go with the flow. Sometimes criticism and help is good, but if there are too many changes you risk losing the flow, or disrupting the story, or cracking the image you are painting - and then left wondering if you should have just tightened up the punctuation and left the poor thing alone. lol.

A poem is ( in many cases - not all I have to say) an extension of yourself. I think the rhythm is good for the poem, a break in the rhythm maybe when grandma is heartbroken, but you have had loads of input on this. I look forward to reading the finished version, are you going to blog it? I enjoyed the first greatly.

Hope your enjoying WOL.

Little spats here and there are the nature of things, ( I have been reading the other threads) and discussion and comments can be quite heated. I have made some great friends and interesting 'aquaintances'. Have fun and just let the niggles go over your head.:-)

Take care

nicky x

I think I might just have 'blogged ' it...but I still find this site a most confusing place. For a day I got e-mails telling me someone had 'responded' then they stopped....!

I tried 'chatting' but that all went 'tits up' too.

I do, kind of, think that the improvements suggested were mostly good, and have incorporated them into the blog piece.

You may have noticed my 'A heart somewhere is twinned with mine...' piece. One contributer suggested his own version...which I loved. I wondered whether it might be a nice 'group project'. I notice that someone else tried a 'let's write a poem together ' piece but it dried up within minutes.

I have a half a mind to suggest we all have a go at a 'A heart...' and see what happens.

What do you think?

Many thanks

Jx

I think thats a great idea john. Maybe we should also think about what anthony said about no restrictions on rhythm, style, format ect too. I enjoyed the last one, still trying to put manchester and the weather and the poor starving kid in africa together - don't laugh win, I will succeed if it nearly kills me lol.

The 'chip in' poem was great fun and you can find it john - if you already haven't on winston plowes profile. Have to run, am going to attempt to introduce my refugees and asylum seekers to the internet and WOL this morning ??!!!! ( they are doing a poetry project ). A little creative spontaneity is good. kickstarts the imagination also, bouncing off others. Go for it start it off.x

Found your blog. Good stuff, will comment later.

Nicky x :-)