Good Morning from that 'air a pianist'.

I can' t decied whether the bekow is blank verse or comedy sketch. Please could I have your advice om which and feedback as I send it to the BBC.


Thankx

Phil

Old Dear Shelter

I could curse the TV Weatherman, hot he had said, great I thought. So, based on that forecast I planned for a visit my sisters in Blackpool. I packed a few bits and pieces. As it was to be a treat for me I would do it in style. I even had a blue rinse.

So I booked myself a posh seat on the train, which I thought was best, because the last time I took the strain I had a bit of a crash. It wasn’t really my fault that the car had crashed though a queue at the bus shelter. I blamed that mechanic who had serviced my car the previous week; but it’d always turned to the left. He said it was fine. I was going to protest but when I saw the local paper headline state ‘Strike! Demolition Doris sends ten passengers scattering, again’. I thought better of it.

Anyway, I got myself all packed and booked a taxi to Victoria but got myself a little ‘confused.com as’ they say on the telly hehe. I only ended up at my sisters VI’s in Rotherham.
Anyway I turned my best little pensioner lost’ eyes with a hint of a tear. It worked like a charm, the taxi then dropped me off at Leeds station and is then he didn’t charge me a penny. Gave him a great big kiss, which was embarrassing. My false teeth fell out right down the front shirt. The ambulance driver said he would be traumatised for weeks.

Anyway I managed to get to Blackpool Station without further mishap and onto arrived at my other sister Victoria. She had been broken into recently. You can see where I might get confused you know ‘Vi and Victoria’ HeHe. I was only 6hrs late to offer comfort. How was I supposed to know she was ill after the break in? The poor thing was fast asleep when I got there. She was all peaceful like, sat in her favourite chair. I only knocked on her window gently. It’s not my fault the pane fell out. The ambulance driver said that he could have saved her but for the noise giving her a heart attack. Oh yes, the falling glass sent the coat stand flying, which then knocked the bookcase, which toppled over and caused a her a fracture to the skull.

Anyway the policeman was ever so nice, only young. My charms must still be working because he gave me his number. I have written his number down somewhere, here it is 999. He even gave me some bus fair. He thought it best, bless him and that I stayed in a B&B for the night given the fact the family were not speaking to me. I found a lovely little B&B run by a Mrs Jones. Like me, she had a blue rinse and even whore a set of curlers. We were getting on like a ‘house on fire’. It wasn’t my fault my ciggi missed the ash tray. It landed in a litter bin, which had the curtains draped inside. Firemen arrived soon after, I wanted to give him the ‘kiss of life’, but I had to make a hasty retreat with my bag and frame. The ambulance man did say she’d be ok.

So there I was making for the bus shelter and saw the clouds coming over Blackpool Tower. The heavens opened, saw some angles fall, eh it makes me laugh. I looked like somebody had opened the washing machine on spin cycle and the washing had been thrown out. This cheeky little lad sat there, at my stop said I smelt of wee and ran off. I knew I’d forgotten something.

Anyway Mr Weatherman, I am sat here in my old dear shelter and everything that has happened today has been your fault. If only he had got things right and …………agh damn that car, driving through that puddle. Our Vi would be alive, the B&B would still be there and that driver would not have been committed. Aaaagh!

Somebody saw me grab my chest; saw my nice ambulance man coming, so quick as a flash I fell to the floor. Well I did feel a bit funny. I closed my eyes and I do love mouth to mouth. Eh, I got it twice, mmmmmm smashing.

Thanks Mr Weatherman

©Phil Golding 5th Sept 2007

Hello Phil, I think what you've created is a monologue, not a sketch or a poem. You've got a single voice telling a tall tale underpinned by surreal events and a dash of humour. Did you have a BBC programme in mind when you sent it off? If you look on the BBC Writersroom website you'll find a list of forthcoming programmes asking for submissions, with descriptions of what they're interested in content and style-wise. New sketch shows in search of material are often flagged up there. It's a good place to visit to find writing opportunities. Hope this helps. Best Wishes, Moxy.

Here's the website address, Phil

www.bbc.co.uk/writersroom

It also has a regularly updated list of writing competitions and information on how to submit material. Hope this is useful. Apologies if you're already familiar with this site.

Hi Phil.

This is prose. There are no poetical formats of any description, that I can see.

I do know what you mean. A favorite of mine, Linh Dinh had a collection of 'short stories' published recently. The thing was that some did follow a poetical format (enjambment, iambics,etc.) I guess you could call them prose poems. Ulysese and Finnegans Wake strike me more as poetry than prose.

However, I follow Jefferson Carter's advice that if the writer says it's poetry then it is for the reader to say whether it is good or bad poetry.

All the best,

Denis Joe

Moxy

Thank you for taking the trouble to seek out this top site.

When I was writing this I had Victoria Wood in mind as the type of comedien who would be perfect to deliver this this monlogue with her dead ppan stule delivery. Nothing like going straight to the top.

Looking at it again I feel there is potential for the imagery to be expanded to make the whole piece a script. Spot on Moxy

I will look at as a scetch initially with potential

Thanks

Phil

Hi Denis

Although I am leaning towards a monologue I think with the right angle it would make a good performance poem. I had written it as a female part. Can't see me with a blue rinse.

Thank you for the pointers you have given. Very helpful leads for further reading.

Cheers

Phil

Hello Phil,

You're very welcome. As a sketch ( or broken comedy, as they call it now) the piece would need both directions and an idea of where it's set-- and you'd need to follow the guidelines for layout. Is it for radio or television? And Sophie's right about spellchecking etc -- sadly, because you're offering the piece as a commercial 'property' -- you're hoping they buy it -- it needs to be in as good a technical and grammatical state as possible. I know from experience -- I've been scriptwriting professionally (and sketch writing) for the BBC (and others) since 1990. I also teach on a part time scriptwriting MA for TV and radio. I've had the rules and regulations of format and layout -- and submitting work tailored to specific shows -- hammered into me!
I think you're right that it would make a cracking good performance piece with you taking the part of the blue rinse heroine! Best Wishes, Moxy

Hi Sophie

Sorry i have not posted a responce earlier. Those were dome at 2 am this morning. and by that time i was cross eyed.

None the less you give sound advice, as many will know of my gramatical prowess or lack of.

both you and Moxy have been very helpful.

Thank you.

Phil

Only met Moxy once.
Daftest woman in the universe.
Sure I can't marry you Mox?

I certainly am that daftest woman.
Sadly, I would also be a bigamist if I said 'yes' Baz.

Fortunately bigamists are the new singles

And trumpets are the new spoons.
And I am the new yachting cap.
And twins are the new telescope.
And Baz, are you meddling with my mind?

And Sophie -- I did have a stint as a copywriter but was sacked for 'being bizarre.' Really, that was the reason I was given for my dismissal. I have also lost theatre commissions because, during negotiations, someone has piped up with, ' NO! Note Her! She's a wild woman.' Charming ain't it?

should have been 'not' not 'note' -- although they did note me for further reference. Hi ho sliver.

Hi Phil, again! If there's a particular comedy programme you like -- maybe you feel your work's in synch with -- take note of the producer/director and contact them -- you can often do so by email -- telling them of your interest in what they've already produced. People like Victoria Wood don't use other people's material: there other comedians who do. The piece posted here, as its stands, seems more like radio. There is a very active comedy unit at BBC North, Manchester, but they do tend to look for particular styles of comedy -- do you listen to BBC R 7? Very low budget comedies but quite varied and often very good indeed. They tend to have quite a broad commissioning strategy. Worth listening in.It's always worth sending work in to named producers rather than just a general department.

It ha usually men who say that writer there is a 'wild' woman. And you know me, to look at me I am very quiet and unassuming. I mean, I even brush my hair twice a week.
Yes the 'bizarre' thing was very amusing (wpould have been if it hadn't meant me losing my job!) but the bloke who took me into the conference room to dismiss me couldn't make eye contact, and sort of skittered verbally all over the place before he could say it. I replied, 'could I have that in writing, please?' But they wouldn't, since it would not have stood up in a tribunal if I'd wished to appeal against the decision.

Not sure the world of poetry needs me! But it's a lovely thing for you to have said. Thank you, Sophie! However, I think you're more of a poet than me. I just bumble about and twiddle with words and hope.

Sorry about the grammatical oddity of the posting below -- had just received a strange phone call and was trying to make sense of it and write something sensible and didn't manage to do so. The first sentence should begin 'It has usually been men who' and then...blah blah wild woman etc.

You have a domesticated hare!!?
Miss Moxy, may I introduced your hare to my over animated tortoise, Troy. He's old, but this equates to an in depth experience about life and its fables. Conjured from the knitting needles of mythical size, Troy has a GSOH and is available in 3 speeds.
Are those my thoughts rustling in the tortoise box of my mind?
Steady Troy, steady.

Glad someone could make sense of the flipping thing: the reading went very well, thank you, Sophie. There was a bundle of us, released at the last moment -- one by one -- from our restraining rubberbands and flicked in front of a cowering audience. I took a step forward and the audience scrambled over each other to escape. That sort of thing. But I know what you mean about wishing that what you want to write is what the world wants to receive. I guess that happens but you have to educate everyone into your perspective. Or, in my case, scare the darned wits out of them.

And hello Troy Tortoise. Any relation to Helen Hostrich? I once knew a sort of ghostly wild hunt but it consisted of the wraiths of seaside donkeys. The Knitting Thing attacked our house yesterday. All the front door was wooled.

No I'm not very domesticated but I am quiet. If I was already sitting in a room when you came in, you wouldn't notice me. Or if you noticed me, you wouldn't feel obligated to acknowledge my presence. And I've had my hair cut twice this year already, which is a bit excessive by my standards. I like the fallow look.

I have been learning to 'mind read' in a stage magic professional sense for around 5 years. I have to do something to while away my hours of curfew. Foolishly, I tried it out on someone (ie a stranger) I was sat next to on a long train journey and I think they began to fear I'd been stalking them. They legged it off the train, squeezing into the flow of people and zig-zagging between the station's pillars like someone in a B horror flick. Ah well.

Not meddling with your mind moxy. Wouldn't dare.
Just think your ramblings are fantastic

Eeeek! Who is meddling with my mind, then?
Baz, you're very kind.
And I am probably bonkers.

My girlfriend meddles with my mind.
Trouble is, that's the only bit of me she meddles with.
I shall aqcuire a new one.
Girlfriend that is.

Hi Sophie

I did not take your responce as a personal comment. My spelling etc i check again and again on my spell check
and still miss.

As far as the sketch is conserned i wrote it on the way home from Scotland on a train. In all the commedy sketch shows i have seen and heard i don't recollect this type of approach to a sequence event thread.

Cheers

Phil

Baz

re an earlier comment isn't a ' bigamist' an Italian fog

Cheers

Phil

Moxy

Thanks once again for your guidence once again. You are a star. Extremly valuable advice.

Thanks

Phil

Thanks, Phil, I really do enjoy your comedy -- you've a terrific eye for those telling details. If you want to write to me (my email's in the poets' showcase) I'd be more than willing to help in any way I could. I can show you layout styles etc if that helps. Best Wishes, Moxy

Sophie

Your responce has taken me aback.

Nothing I said was not meant to cause you or anybody offence. Your views/thoughts were given with good intent and received as such.

Your responce has taken me aback

I was actally agreeing with you about my spelling. I did NOT take anything you said as a personal attack, spelling or when you were playing devils advocate.

You words were taken in a positive constructive way.

If my responce was taken in any sort of negitive way I am genuinely sorry.

Please either respond here or go on to my showcase get my email. I do not want to leave waters muddied between us, please come back.

Phil

Sophie

I welcome your feed back, as I do any other persons on this site.

Please come back.

Cheers

Phil

Hi Phil, sorry, it was me, Moxy, who wrote the piece that ended up posted as 'anon.' I hadn't realised that my name wasn't attached to it -- it seems if you take a while to type in a response the software acts as if you're not signed in, it allows the post to appear but tags it with 'anon.' If I'd have stayed on the site and tried to write another response I would have realised -- because it flags up 'not logged on.'

Thanks Kp

The more keys the more doors. Sound advice. This is my first venture into this field and appreciate the advice and support offered.

I hadn't thought of the competition angle to help with cv.

thankx

Phil

Moxy

Sorry I have not replied sooner as I have been working on my manuscript.

I would be very grateful for any advice you can give and would like, if possible, to meet up to discuss this project further at your convenience.

I subscribe to Writing Magazine which has sound advice and great competitons. I do, however, prefer the hands on approach, rather that a mag that gives no immediate two way feed back. I want to get this right first time. I work better on projects where I can bounce ideas and learn .

I will email you with contact detailds.

Look foward to hearing from you soon.

Phil
Bard from Urmston

Phil

Hi Phil,

Ever so glad to help -- but will need to do so by email for the time being due to mega-workload, encroaching deadlines, and family commitments. Plus I don't drive. That's why I don't gig much at all. Hope that's okay! Moxy