Not sure what to say really! Be honest, I suppose :-)


3.15, Room 7


'swallow the pill

it'll cure your ill'

said the man in

the long white coat

'i don't want your pill

for i am not ill'

tried the girl with a

lump in her throat

'so what will you do'

asked the man who knew

of the holes and

the devils inside

'i don't have a clue

but i wish i knew'

said the girl with

downturned eyes



'i'll take your pill

but I am not ill'

said the girl as

she started to cry

'it'll be a hill

but stick with the pill

said the man with

the cold, blue eyes

so she takes her pill

but she's waiting still

in the holes

with the devils inside.

Ah!Poignant memories of waiting with a beloved in rooms like this.

And then the anxious relief as the bloody things really began to work.

The poem is tellingly and sparingly executed. I like that certain pairs of lines (such as three and four or seven and eight for example) are not elongated into rhyming lines - it adds greatly to the plaintive and spare effect of the whole.

One that really makes you feel.

I agree with Harry. Because this is the Poetry Review area I'm looking that bit harder for where there could be improvement, but am struggling. The sparseness of the poem conjures up the bleakness which the girl feels. There are no capital letters or full stops but that doesn't feel like a gimmick - when one feels like this, everything - including capitals and punctuation - is too much effort.

The use of adjectives is just as sparing and chillingly effective - white, downturned, cold and blue. This is someone who is deeply troubled in a sterile, clinical environment which is giving her only chemical answers not human ones.

Others may come in and differ, but I think this poem, as it is, is publishable. Though (unless it's pure imagination) it's sad that it had to be written

Nothing to add, except that I agree with the others... XX

This covers so many angles of 'attitudes' both personal, and the doctor/patient relationship. 'tried' is a superb word, so casually nicked in but speaking volumes. And 'cold blue eyes' can also go almost anywhere according to reader experience, whether it is really doctor's disinterest or patient's perception. It's a really good poem.

Kath, IMO, you are consistently excellent.

As per other comments, this is sparse, spare, clinical, excellent. Clinical excellence, in fact.

Thank you, Everyone!

Isn't it strange how sometimes the better stuff is written without really even thinking about it? I guess that's the beauty of it really. I am really pleased with all your comments and glad that you liked it too.

I was thinking of sending it to somewhere but really have no idea who! If you have any suggestions they would be really appreciated :-)

Lovely poem, so much unsaid and just suggested.
I like your idea of people suggesting where to send it. Often magazines say send stuff that fits the kind of work we publish but it would cost a fortune to explore back issues of all the magazines. there could be a place for people to comment on what magazines print poems of one sort or another.