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Opinions please?

On the periphery of that neon grin you own,
I saw a tear balanced there.
Poised to fall amongst your lies of
I'm fine,life is great etc etc.
You keep your sadness confined in a cardboard box,
mementos of your madness wrapped neatly in tinfoil.
Let it loose,let it blossom and unfold.
A pungent lily searching for the light.
Mon, 29 May 2017 10:14 pm
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Excellent and very moving.
Mon, 18 Sep 2017 04:38 pm
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Hi
There are some lines I love:
"I saw a tear balanced there." & You keep your sadness confined in a cardboard box, mementos of your madness wrapped neatly in tinfoil
Sat, 11 Nov 2017 10:18 pm
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I like this a lot.

Some minor suggestions, all just my opinion, and always with respect:

1) Review your punctuation carefully. I think you have commas and period stops where none are needed. If uncertain, use none.

2) IMO, if a word can be jettisoned, always boot it out. For example:

'You keep your sadness in a cardboard box
Mementos of your madness wrapped in tinfoil.'

This allows the '-adness' sound to be very dominant, pulling the two lines strongly together, and the 'ad' and 'wra' punching each other very effectively, like verbal blows. 'neatly' added an interesting dimension, but I think it is implied by the the action of 'wrapped in tinfoil'.

Also, the rhythm is much cleaner. I always read my own work aloud, always, as poetry is essentially an art form of sound, even if one is reading it silently.


Nothing like catching up on various interests months in arrears. I'm not that often on site, to be honest.

Cheers,

Cynthia
Wed, 22 Nov 2017 11:30 am
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