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THE GRAND WIGAN TUDOR BUM NIGHT

Covert operations taking place on discussion thread 'better looking poets' have been reported to have erupted in grand scale bum violence. Wigan poetry lovers innocently packed the aisles of the usually safe and serene surroundingsof the Tudor House Hotel. 'Readings by some of the north west finest poets.' is the lure of the Write Out Loud approved event.
The night was attended by dedicated, sensitive people with precious ears finely attuned to auditory pleasures, such as Chris Coes sincere and carefully structured appraisals of modern society.
But January Tudor saw a terrible disgrace. The usually mild mannered chris ripped off his check shirt, beat his ample chest and screamed 'this is my planet!'grinning inanely. Moments before this, images of natalie his loving partner were captured trying to tame this wild man with a swift kick to the arse. We are sending prayers out for his family. Meanwhile, Miss Stella Jones who has recently been accredited with organizational awards for her compering abilities in the peaceful Wirral district was said to have ' gone mad with power!' a reliable source informs that stella was seen spanking on this night with a look of 'gleeful abandon'.
But that is not all.
Respected member of the church David B told an onlooker that his 'days of good behaviour are over. He was witnessed literally begging to be walked upon by an unknown woman in very high stilletto heels. Reliable anarchist Ms. Laura Bess Taylor-Kettle confessed that her usually chaotic, hedonist lifestyle had been taking its toll on her now demanding poetry career. She said with dismay that the Tudor is usually 'a sedate little haven' and that after the nights turnings she will be seriously considering whether poetry is the hemeopathy she was seeking.
And so the night proved too much for peter crompton who was seen leaving the pub early on wearing sunglasses and insisting on 'no photos' for the press. It seems association with this night could lose jobs.good friend of pete c, Frankie said he hadnt realised it was bum night and asked if he could have a refund. several fainthearted poetry members were making exits swiftly with, as one passer by stated, looks of 'startled little rabbits.' Elaine Booth, Joy France and Louise Coulson carefully chaperoned younger members such as charlotte henson from the buiding where it was said a police caution had been mounted.
Louise was quoted after the event saying that if she knew that compering this evening would be so traumatic she would have declined suggesting that perhaps john togher, was more suitable being used to that sort of thing.
Police are said to be hunting an evil mastermind behind this encitement to bum exposure and bondage practice. she is said to be slim, blonde and a size 6 shoe. Often posing as a sensible mother, this fiend was overheard saying 'bend over then' and i want a shot of that arse.' police intelligence say that perverts like this often masquerade as poets and we are to expect more of it in the coming year.for those coping with flashbacks the NHS suggestion is close your eyes and think of england.

roving reporter
Truly Bullshit x
Fri, 13 Jan 2012 01:43 am
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Well who said January venues were quiet? You've got me choking on my cornflakes with this review Rachel - truly hilarious. I'll have to return to comment properly once I've got a spot of employed labour over - for which I'm running late :)x
Fri, 13 Jan 2012 08:09 am
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Haahaaa!!!! Best review EVER :D :D
Fri, 13 Jan 2012 09:39 am
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'twas a good night but I'm saying nothing. Except John Coopey should have been there (-:
Fri, 13 Jan 2012 10:43 am
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john coopey could not attend as CIA had ordered his arrest before the Tudor event. At police holding cells it has been leaked that Coopey used his one phone call on an premium rate number. Coopey said coldly, 'well it was my thread, i was not missing out on the fun.' there has been no indication of when Coopey will be released but apparantly a laptop is available to all bum prisoners and so he may attempt to clear his name online. a campaign 'free the bum 1' has come into being and those concerned can get their ' Im a bummer, let me be' t shirts by sending cheques to me.

Truley B
Fri, 13 Jan 2012 11:42 am
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Ha - I'll have you know that I'm a respectable poet not into S&M. When I bent over like that, it was with the intention of forming a human table for someone to read their poetry off or tie their laces on. Stella just went a bit power crazy.

I heard that the whole bum coup was pulled together by a corsetted brunette, wearing silver tipped black suede stilletto boots, blue eyeshadow and red nails...

I love your review. It kind of reminds me of Cludo for some reason - although are no corpses.

I think it was Colonel Mustard, at the Tudor bar, with a candelabra...
Fri, 13 Jan 2012 02:02 pm
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hehehe miss scarlett in the pantry with a rolling pin x
Fri, 13 Jan 2012 03:28 pm
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Dave B in the vestry with a cucumber x
Fri, 13 Jan 2012 03:39 pm
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miss jones in the attic with Vienna x

ps - brunette? i heard the mystery woman had long flowing blonde hair much like goldilocks.
Fri, 13 Jan 2012 04:09 pm
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Ahem, of course - blondes often look brunette in the subtle lighting of the Tudor!

Mr Smallpiece in the beergarden with his prosthesis x
Fri, 13 Jan 2012 05:00 pm
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laura taylor on the tables in the buff!
Fri, 13 Jan 2012 11:01 pm
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Sounds like you had a fun night. Although "Tudor bum night" conjured up images of a "black-timbered, wattle and daub" derriere - not the most edifying spectacle. If spoken, (to those not in the know) the phrase has entirely other connotations. A discreet nibble certainly, but chewed sounds a little over-enthusiastic . . .

I must pay a visit one of these days . . .

Sat, 14 Jan 2012 02:22 am
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Sounds like I missed a good night. Not to mention a chance to show off my tatoo.
Sun, 15 Jan 2012 09:34 am
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shame we missed that dave, next time bum tats can have their own category. anthony edifying and edible should not be in same sentence. ive heard that cornish bum parties go on all the time, except the participants are usually sheep andthe judges are little pixies drunk with mead, . think prizes go to the arse with least amount of poo clingons.
Sun, 15 Jan 2012 01:29 pm
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I demand to have my bum snapped!!
Mon, 16 Jan 2012 01:22 pm
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ok laura we have traditional cane, riding crop or proper whip....or we could just take a photo. ;)
Mon, 16 Jan 2012 02:58 pm
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Check out "Mistress Rachel"
Wed, 18 Jan 2012 02:50 pm
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stella jones

Just to let folks know the correct facts...Izz human table...OH YEAH?..like where did that come from when you were shouting spank me..spank me?..tssk...you rotten bum you..x
Tue, 31 Jan 2012 01:27 am
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Oh I'd just prefer a flat hand if it's for spanking purposes, thanks Rach :)

Tue, 31 Jan 2012 01:30 pm
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flat hand it is. i shall consult with mistress jones on best techniques.
Tue, 31 Jan 2012 09:27 pm
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Good show! ;D
Wed, 1 Feb 2012 04:18 pm
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I wasnt there for this, what the sack was going on?!
Tue, 10 Apr 2012 07:50 pm
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It was a night of great debauchery - as you'd only expect from the Tudor :)

Photographic evidence in the galleries... x
Wed, 11 Apr 2012 09:44 am
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matt you are looking a bit young there for this sort of thing...there is very thorough search on the door for ID. also i had best warn you it is all the devil's work ;)
Thu, 12 Apr 2012 04:25 pm
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