Ian, this is really good, first in concept, and then in execution. I find it so much more than a so-called social rant. Dignity - that's the word I want - insight and poetical power - until I reached the closing lines.
IMO,I would scrap the final four 'rant lines', as superfluous. Almost, for me, a spoiler. Trust your own previous skill and the readers' intelligence. 'and he sinks beneath the waves.' is a brilliant, a haunting last line.
Comment is about An Angel Bathes In Tears (blog)
Original item by Ian Whiteley
Nice one I an it conveys so much to so many across time,as we repeat the same old things.
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Original item by Ian Whiteley
Ian Whiteley
Fri 1st Aug 2014 23:39
you're right Cynthia - after much deliberation (I feel like I've thrown one of my flock to the wolves) I've dropped those last 4 lines - and coming back to this poem now, I agree that the ending is stronger without those lines - thanks for the insight
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Original item by Ian Whiteley