A 'Snitch' in Time!

A ‘Snitch’, in Time !


My mother’s mother, Granny Brown

was ‘muchly-loved’, (once) in our town.

The care she gave; her happy ways.

She cheered us in her ‘ember days’.


She liked to knit but not to sell.

Such quality. (oh, you could tell!)

Each item, thoroughly bespoke

- for giving to specific folk.


“Gran, that’s great !” i’d often shout.

“You knit them then you hand ‘em out!

You’ll surely qualify for heaven”.

“Shush!”, she’d laugh. “i’m eighty seven!”


“Don’t be fooled,” she winked at me,

“about my generosity.

Folk pestered me to knit them stuff, 

until, one day i’d had enough!


They started taking me for granted

- telling me the things, they wanted.

‘You need help’, your Grandpa said.

So, made some glasses in his shed.


These,” smirked Granny (waving specs)

“help, create some ‘cool-effects’.

Which now makes knitting things, such fun.

I hide a ‘message’ in each one!


The lenses alter colours, slightly:

letting me weave words in, lightly.

Try them on.” smiled Gran (so sweet!).

Then led me out, into the street.


So, ‘glasses-perched’, we hit the ‘Square’

and noticed woollens everywhere.

For, (as it was a chilly day)

my Grandma’s ‘gifts’ were on display.


I gazed around, ‘gob-smacked-ly’,

as Granny’s specs revealed to me

the true extent of what she’d done

- and her opinions of each one!


I had to chuckle at Gran’s pranks,

whenever strangers offered thanks.

For, there, ’emblazened’ ‘on each hem,

she’d knitted, what she thought of them.


First ‘to show’ was Mrs Smart,

whose ‘beanie’ branded her, a “Tart!”

Then, in a boldly-woven thread,

some old bloke’s jumper glowed, “Dick-Head”!


We passed a blanket on a line,

where a complex, patterned ‘sign’

made such a claim, i could not miss.

of, that its owner stunk of..... “something” !


‘Reg’, who ran the corner shop,

sported “Plonker!” on his top.

And - worse (although he stopped to thank ‘er) -

Gran ‘tagged’ Mr Jones, a “Waster”!


This occurred some years ago

and, now Gran’s gone, I miss her so.

I feared her secret trick, ‘though clever

couldn’t stay that way forever.


And sure enough, ‘stuff’ hit the fan,

(’Technology’ exposed my Gran!)

when ‘3D’ films were introduced

and special spectacles were used.


These split the ‘rainbow’s’ spectrum down

(just like the ones from Grandad Brown!)

So, when the ‘Flicks’ screened ‘Avatar’,

the game was up, for ‘Grand-Mama’.


Insults, plainly could be seen

(besides the ads, from ‘Pearl & Dean’),

as 3D-specs scanned ‘woolly-weft’

to highlight all the jibes, she’d left !


A fair, few “Pillocks” were aghast

to learn ‘just what they were’ (at last!).

Whilst “Busy-Bodies”, “Pricks” and “Prats”

all stomped about - in Granny’s hats!


As (thankfully !) she wasn’t there,

they had no option but to wear

her ‘base-invective’, lewd and loud.

(Gran, no doubt chuckling, from her cloud!)


It’s folklore now, but soon played-down,

by townsfolk who knew Granny Brown.

‘Though time has passed, her name’s still ‘Mud’,

but they forget about her ‘good’.


Grandma’s joyfulness and cheer

is seldom found these days, ’round here.

For, (in our town) life’s ‘oh, so bland’

- now, patterned-knitwear’s strictly banned!


John Andrew Nield.

funny poemsfunny versehumorous poemsHumorous versehumour

◄ Night 'Shifts' !

The Trouble With Nuts! ►


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John Andrew Nield

Fri 21st Feb 2020 19:52

Thanks to you all for your uplifting praise.
(You're right Don, there should be more humour, these days!)
If you think 'Write Out Loud' may have 'doomed' you enough.
You may find some joy in my earlier stuff?

I'm proud of my tale about sly Granny Brown,
but like to spend time hunting ‘classic’ jokes down.
Converting such tales is my ‘poetry passion’
(in line with the current recyling fashion!)

The stories I choose should have been passed about,
for many a year to be ‘in with a shout’.
So, once such longevity, then can be boasted
I aim to re-tell them, as ‘Chestnuts Reroasted!’

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Don Matthews

Fri 21st Feb 2020 14:25

John has knitted up some rhyme
I like that, Ruth, good stuff
We need such humour on the site
To give us all good laugh

I'm sure that John would think like me
There's too much doom and gloom
And not nuff funny stuff to balance
Here goes again boom boom

Ruth made me do it....


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Ruth O'Reilly

Fri 21st Feb 2020 13:59

Great comedy. Loved the story and the poetic quality a welcomed bonus! Looking forward to you knitting us up some more! 😁

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keith jeffries

Fri 21st Feb 2020 13:24

A really good and humorous poem.
Thanks for this


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John Andrew Nield

Thu 20th Feb 2020 23:28

You're 'right on the nail', Don.
I agree what you say.
So I'll carry on writing
loud 'Boom booms'and 'Yay' !

Thanks for your support, Don. 😊

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John Andrew Nield

Thu 20th Feb 2020 23:21

Thanks so much for your uplifting comments, Po.

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Don Matthews

Thu 20th Feb 2020 22:43

Rhymer to rhymer
Versing more fun
On WOL is needed when
All's said and done

Too much exists of
Doom and mate gloom
Weighing down WOL
Sing yay and boom boom.....


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Thu 20th Feb 2020 20:36

What a great piece of fun verse this is John.

It really is laugh out LOUD!

I adore funny poetry, we need more of this calibre, great job.


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John Andrew Nield

Thu 20th Feb 2020 16:46

Thanks, M.C.
Love the poetic response, too! 😊

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M.C. Newberry

Thu 20th Feb 2020 15:30

Inventive and invigorating fun ! A welcome addition to WOL.
You can say this much for Granny Brown
She added colour to her town;
If from on high she takes a peek
She'll see bright red on many a cheek !

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