To the Desperate Disparate

For the desperate disparate
All I am
since before i  heard the tigerpig, no thought no time
When i stop i am gone
Ever as now
A silent scream rising like the firefawn
Existing only when the wind blows
Moss beneath my toes on the old stones
In sunlight through stained glass
The echo of living through falling lashes
Alive for one timeless moment
Hoping to smell poplars through the pine
Remembering all the ashes between holly and yew.
This world deafens me. Screaming to my silence. An affront. 
I strive in vain to perceive this world as you believe it to be
to flow with order, to make my words the shield against my own chaos
Form a narrative structure to live among you all
Always trying to perfect the art of blending in
Learning to sound as you sound, act as you act, 
Move as you move and smile as you smile
Just to make it through the day
Right place. right time. Off beat 
This timely order you think so fixed, immutable
How clever of you to thrive, survive
These terrors, my fault.
I have sunk my soul in the hollows all my life
Hiding them in ill conceived nursery rhyme
By curling smoke, poison cup, oblivion
Then taking their doses to medicate my life away
The good girl now escaping nowhere in derealised states
My sincerest admission
A life's work to try to understand your hearts and minds
Never mine. Never mind
There is an abyss inside me, calling me home and i have long lost sight of the light at the end of the rabbit hole
I am a skeleton dancing to an echo of a melody you never heard
A danse macabre, you don't see
and Fled is that music....
The sunlight burns my eyes, blinding in the darkness. 
In hope,
to see you stand, a stained glass with stained lashes
And with closed eyes, for a second feel the warmth through you
An accidental catalyst to my mind
The hum of the earth in my chest, down my spine. and grass at my feet
I pray i am awake at last,  I pray I do not dream
So alike in their unreality.
Let me be. 
Let me be real. 
Let me want to want. Please
I want to see who i can be
I've never felt this, said that before 
Four decades devoid of a single day lived
My stolen voice and borrowed tongue can't reply to the nightingale's melody
Nor let it see me dance in this echoless cave
Pretending shadows on walls were ever friends of mine.
I can't fight or take flight
Forever frozen
warming in the dark light
I long to feel an embrace
But i could never  stand the touch
Reminding me of everything i never was
I wish this was catastrophizing, overworded apologising
But this is the truth of it , that's all i have to offer
And I'd give it all if i knew how
I meant well. Remember that
(Tell me what you want from me so i can disappoint you now and get it over with)
All prison, no crimes
Repaying altruism with empty lies
I am fine thank you.
Bitter in my mouth
All verse and no chorus,
No attempt to be .......
No call to arms from me
No howls
No moans
Just uneasy smiles and silences
Papering up the cracks where a life should be
Wanting things i 'll never have
Knowing love, by it's absence
My one truth
Does it hurt you, like it defeats me?
Does it please you, like i hate me?
But i meant so well ...





depressionhopeMental health

◄ Semper Eadem

Phoenix ►


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