Venus personified

 

 

when spearing Moonlight

pierces the silent cimmerian gloominess of caverns

when that illumination exceeds the status of a hush

and disregards all shadowy rites

brightening their grasps

 

and as the passing of time, stooped, decrepit

continue's its staggering way

through the heaviness of age

 

memories of her are reawakened

like those he often recollects

of every perfected one of summers golden celebrations

 

each emphasising its ecstasy

bringing the warmth and pleasure of warm tears to his eyes

recalling her beauty and how it shone!

how like a flame it will always be in his mind

continuing to ignite the beacon of his soul.

 

   

◄ Escariot

praising the beloved ►

Comments

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Rose Casserley

Thu 23rd May 2019 16:39

one does ones best P&S! cya later. Wanna get some more sun before it fades.






Rose 💋

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Patricia and Stefan Wilde

Wed 22nd May 2019 14:09

Quite a deep one Rose and so well written.


P&S xx

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Rose Casserley

Tue 21st May 2019 18:31

while appreciating your time and effort taken John in helping me to improve this piece and seeing exactly where you are coming from, I think rightly or wrongly that once one makes changes to one's poem according to someone else's friendly advice then the poem in a way becomes theirs. I think you hopefully will understand the logic of that opinion. Therefore, I will leave it be and thanks again.

As you say P&S it is always down to opinions but nevertheless, it was kind of John to comment in not only a helpful but also inspiring way.

Martin and Jon, so pleased and thankful enough ( as you both always are) to have dropped by.




Rose 💋

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Martin Elder

Mon 20th May 2019 20:22

You have caught me unawares again Rose with this one. It has a beautiful fluidity and softness to it.
Nice one

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Patricia and Stefan Wilde

Mon 20th May 2019 19:00

No disrespect to John, Rose and since its all a case of opinions we think it doesn't require any alteration but what do we know? Maybe bugger all?

P&S xx

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john short

Mon 20th May 2019 14:45

Hi Rose,

I think this has the potential to be a good poem but needs a bit more work. I'd suggest an edit for the first and last stanzas, refining it into a poem of four triplets. Cut away anything that doesn't need to be there so for example, you might end up with the first stanza reading:

when spearing moonlight
pierces the silent gloominess of caverns
and disregards all shadowy rites

the second and third stanzas as they are and then do something similar for the last one.

Just my suggestions and opinions of course - you may well disagree. Don't know if you submit stuff to small press mags, I was thinking this might be good for Dawntreader (Indigo Dreams).

Cheers, John Short

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