After the boys of summer are gone

A letter to my ex

The one that meant the most 

This isn’t a passive aggressive passage that showcases what you lost 

I’m not here to “thank you” for all the shit you’ve done because it “taught me to be strong” no need to block the jabs you thought that I’d give out. 

I’m here to say I love you. And I’m not bitter about the past.

Hard to believe I’m sure without fearing what comes next. 

This isn’t some “cleansing” where I’m supposed to forgive those who hurt me no questions asked. 

I’m here to I’m sorry for making you feel bad. 

I’m sorry for reminding you how much you hurt me even though, I’m the one who came back. 

I’m here because both of us were only coddling what we need. 

I for you, cared too much and provided the security that you need. And you were the body of the boy I created that was somehow made for me. 

You were this idea of a man that I met in a dream and every time you proved me wrong I pulled harder at the seams. Despite the signs you gave me, this man was made for me. And country songs on the radio with the windows down and driving far, talk of the love stories that distance draws, gave me hope that that was us and there I sat in the neon that I raced you in years ago feeling relieved because I knew one day that the song I’m humming to one day would be us. 

While you sat on the other side and knew all that time that I wasn’t the one. You searched for more and hit on girls and waited until they’d let you go. Then to ease the sting, you’d run to me and convince yourself that you were always waiting for the back up. 

See, I used you and you used me. Yet all this time I’ve told myself that I suffered through it all selflessly while you took what I gave you and had a motive with it all. 

I’m here to say I we’re both a mess and that I’m equally at fault. I gave you a home in times of anything but. 

And you gave me the face of a man that I wanted to be real even after I wake up. 

Bittersweet these words that I write down, 

When the fiction stays that way and the freedom of the truth weighs just as much.