Survival?

https://wolfgarwords.com/

 

The skyline spattered by air bursting shells, 

canvas of grey, the birds have flown free.

The Belfry relieved of its heavenly Bells,

the crucifix splintered to saviourless tree.   

 

Rats eat bootlaces through to the bone

then we eat the rats and so eat our own.

God has deserted what we now defend

but the Devil is stoic, the Devil's a friend.

 

He rides on the shells that fracture the ear

then steers them away tormenting our fear.

though many forget the reasons we came,

we hate those who sent us more than the slain.

 

We've children back home in some other place,

but their voices have faded as too has the face.

We don't look in mirrors for fear of our eyes,

but see in each other our self serving lies,

 

that bear us the wounded away from this hell

with silent dead whispers we never can tell,

of how we survived to be better off dead

then to live it again each day in our head. 

◄ Nomads

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Comments

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Frances Macaulay Forde

Thu 14th Feb 2019 08:14

Excellent.

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Wolfgar Miere

Tue 12th Feb 2019 11:25

Thankyou Dorothy, very much appreciated.

David.

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Dorothy Webb

Mon 11th Feb 2019 10:06

"we hate those who sent us more than the slain"

Powerful disturbing words. This is a poem that chills even after rereading, Well done for capturing such raw emotion in a few short lines.

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Wolfgar Miere

Sun 10th Feb 2019 19:42

Thanks again Frances,

I suspect I am considered a leper by the WoL heirachy (if there is such a thing) so I really wouldn't expect any merit to be given, even if any were so deserved.

Thanks to KJ, JB and all those who sent flowers and those who commented earlier, very much appreciated.

David.

I have re-recorded the audio track.

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Frances Macaulay Forde

Sun 10th Feb 2019 16:40

Excellent. Could even be POTW? 😃

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Jason Bayliss

Sun 10th Feb 2019 10:44

That is so well written. I've only read it through once, so far, and my first reaction is dark, beautiful, realistic narrative and have you noticed the same thing I did, about four lines in I found that I was almost singing it to myself, it hit me like a song. I would also have gone with "then" rather than, "than." Brilliant!

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kJ Walker

Sun 10th Feb 2019 09:57

Hi David
I know what you mean about the rhyme. In someone else's hands this would have lost something, and would have been better in free-verse.
I can only write poems in rhyme, and would never be brave enough to tackle anything as serious as this, as it would come across as twee in my clumsy hands.
That-being-said I would leave this exactly as it is. It works well, and the rhymes are unforced.

Cheers Kevin

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Frances Macaulay Forde

Sun 10th Feb 2019 09:36

Often we overthink our words, but the original 'then' fits perfectly.
As for the 1st stanza; the second line has more words than needed but the forth line needs just one more, to give the last 'tree' gravitas ... 😃

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Wolfgar Miere

Sun 10th Feb 2019 09:31

Thanks so much Frances,

Strangely I had used "than" to prefix the last line of the poem, but was unsure if it made sense. It is still on the audio track, I decided to use "then" as you suggested.

I'll have a fiddle with the first verse and see if I can make it a little smoother.

Thanks for the input Frances, much appreciated.

David.

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Frances Macaulay Forde

Sun 10th Feb 2019 09:22

G'day David,
This is good. I think the rhyme works well except for verse one which can easily be tweaked with an edit of a few words.
Also the very last line in a poem of many powerful lines; needs just one more word - perhaps then or just...
Well done, David.

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Wolfgar Miere

Sun 10th Feb 2019 07:46

Thankyou for the reading and comments.

To be honest I'm not entirely happy with this I feel slightly irritated by the rhyme. None of it is gratuitous to my mind but I prefer writing this type of thing out of rhyme.

Anyway this is how it worked itself out, so I'll leave it as is for now.

Thanks again,

David.

poemagraphic

Sat 9th Feb 2019 21:48

Respect.

…"We don't look in mirrors for fear of our eyes,

but see in each other our self serving lies"

Painful words.

Po

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keith jeffries

Sat 9th Feb 2019 21:34

David,

This poem is both powerful and frightening. It reflects the present and potential of the world in which we live. The words ,,,,,,,He rides on the shells that fracture the ear then steers them away tormenting our fear.........these words brought alarm as they articulate the forcé and manifestation of evil. The poem is dark but such words need to be articulated to a people who are increasingly apathetic.

Thank you for this.
Keith

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