As I continue to reflect on our relationship, both the good along with all the troubles, I find myself to be more and more at peace with my actions and role our relationship. What I continue to take away is that you cannot change someone. It is impossible. However, what is, is the possibility to always change yourself, and hopefully change how others see themselves, others, and see a different perspective. What troubles me the most aside from the mistreatment and under-appreciation, the neglect and the one-sidedness, the shallowness and the stubbornness, is the hate that fuels your being. It is extremely hard to come to the realization and accept that the hate dictates your mind, words, and actions.
As I struggled to not continue to enable this behavior by empathizing and understanding, I realize why it is there and how it has always been. Time and time again I’ve heard this and seen it, but it is now especially apparent, as it has affected me and been so close to myself in my own life. You cannot love someone until you love yourself. As simple as it sounds in that sentence, I know it is so much harder than that. And while some part of you may love me, I know that sadly that only part of you, loves you too. You hate yourself therefore you hate the people and things around you. You hate what made you this way. You hate who made you this way. You hate things that you do, the things you can’t do, the people like you, the people you wish to be, and hate what you don’t hate because its what you know so well. Its not easy to hear. Its even worse to accept. And even far more difficult to change. Hate is what drives you and its hard to do things you love, when you are filled with hate.
You love yourself, but you hate yourself more.
You love me, but you hate me more.
You love your family, but you hate what they’ve done to you more.
You love your life, but you hate the life your living more.
You love what you hate most. You hate what you love most.
I love you for who you are, but I don’t like who you’ve become. Someone who will take without giving. Will give, but can’t take it. Will talk, but not do. Will do, without talking. Will act, on impulse. Will react, without thinking. Will say, without meaning. Will hear, without listening. Will care, without feeling. Will feel, without caring. Will hurt, without knowing. Will know that they’re hurting. Will know that they’re hurting. Will know that they’re hurting. And will know who they are hurting.
I don’t hate any part of you.
But you hate every part of you.
The pain is inside you. The anger is what drives you. And the hate is what hides you.
You’re in so deep, you’ve go so far, and you’ve numbed it all away so you can’t feel any of the pain.
And you know that…
…the isolation makes you lonely.
…the gambling makes you poor.
…the drugs make you crash.
…the liquor makes you angry.
…the porn makes you disgusted.
…your mind makes you anxious.
And your life makes you sad.
You feed what makes you feel good. What makes you feel good doesn’t last. What lasts is regret. And what you regret is what you’ve done.
But I still love you, and I hope you can too.