This is not a poem

It never occured to me that I could simultaneously want to be invisible and famous.

But that's where I am right now. 

stuck on some weird branch of limbo in a forest of solitude

just trying to keep my balance

Sometimes when I don't know what word comes next

I stare at the letters on my keyboard and hope they'll speak to me.

Sometimes I am convinced that I know the stranger scooping my ice cream from somewhere. 

Once I called him Kevin because that's what I thought his name must be 

I think I'm a little bit crazy  

and I know I'm pretty sad 

But I'm not sure where the two start to overlap 

The things I say are statements I rarely ever believe 

and I often feel guilty for speaking 

because I don't think I know how to do anything but lie 

Even that seems suspect

I know my grandma will worry when she reads this

But I don't know how to reconcile the person I seem to be with the person I think I know I am 

I don't like the direction this is taking. 

And I've deleted the past five lines I wrote 

I keep editing this shit for cognitive distortions

so that it can't be whittled down to some kind of faulty thinking 

as if some CBT will do the trick 

Breathe 

let's start this again.  

🌷 (4)

◄ Ugly Beauty

Comments

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raypool

Wed 13th Jun 2018 22:37

Please don't think i'm being Mr Superior Alexandra but my own experience over years has been that to still the mind by freeing it up with meditation (lot of discipline required) allows you to switch out some involuntary thoughts that make no real sense in your head and come from all directions. This can be a cleansing, after which you make your own thoughts spontaneously . Worth a try! So much self doubt is mixed into poetry often that you just drag a ball and chain around.
Funnily enough your last two lines are highly significant, as breathing correctly is so important in calming the mind.

Ray


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Hazel ettridge

Wed 13th Jun 2018 21:59

Alex, I think most writers go through a similar process. I find that either the first thing I write spontaneously is authentic or I have to write several pages (without editing or censorship) and then find that my writing becomes more and more authentic. Not necessarily 'good' poetry, but my truth. This may or may not be helpful. Feel free to ignore.I did enjoy your poem, especially the line where you don't know where crazy and sad overlap.

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Alexandra Rockwell Lorenz

Wed 13th Jun 2018 20:51

Hi Don,

Thanks for your comment and introduction. It's nice to meet you as well. I think the hardest hit to the ego is realizing everyone's a little bit crazy, but it's good to know I'm not
alone and I'm comforted by your words. So thank you.

Looking forward to checking out your work.

Alex

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Don Matthews

Wed 13th Jun 2018 14:12

Oh Alexandra

I know exactly how you feel. You worry about what others might think. A fatal thought for a writer. I write for myself, not others, to bring my emotions out, my frustrations, my anger. I can do this in the safety of WOL. I know I'm with understanding friends. I write for myself, then cast it to the WOL wind. Interested ? - great. No ? - tough. Go fly a kite, as Keith says.

I have a crazy mind. Join me and let it run free on WOL. Enjoy it as Col says. Mine invigorates and excites me.

It can even say shit on your screen, and not give a damn.

Nice to meet your acquaintance

Don 😎

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Alexandra Rockwell Lorenz

Wed 13th Jun 2018 12:17

Colin and Keith,

I've been so frustrated with writing recently. Everything feels like a hopeless attempt to communicate about something that I don't really understand. I just decided to write exactly what I have been thinking these days and try not to judge it as I wrote it.

I think judging my thoughts is the biggest obstacle I need to overcome. Until I can allow myself to think freely without telling myself that what I have to say is stupid, I will never be able to write honestly and it will all come off disingenuous.

Anyways, thank you both for reading and commenting. I really do appreciate it.

Alex

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keith jeffries

Wed 13th Jun 2018 09:42

Alex,
Thank you for this searching work of introspection which seldom produces any concrete results. I agree with Colin. Free yourself and be crazy, sad or whatever. Be Alex and write in a forthright manner. If anyone does not like what you have to say then they can go and fly a kite.
Good investigatory thought. I enjoyed this and it has made me think
Keith

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Colin Hill

Wed 13th Jun 2018 08:41

how to channel the crazy and sad into the written word without allowing the crazy and sad to take over the mind completely?

I think this is a common dilemma for writers - dipping into the dark side of the soul and being able to step away from it again. And how do we explain that to friends and relatives without them thinking we've lost the plot?

I'd say channel the crazy and sad and don't worry what anyone might think. Shrug it off. Enjoy your crazy mind. It's better than fighting against it. Perhaps.

your poem has got me thinking Alex . . .

all the best, Col.

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