Be kind.

Her hair covered

Her head down 

A baby in the push chair 

Not one familiar place around.

 

The shop girl served her,

Speaking loud and slow 

The lady understood 

What their was to know.

 

I sensed a patronising tone,

As the shop girl spoke 

The lady didn’t realise 

The condensation invoked.

 

The man with the tattoos

Stared and screwed up his face 

Words muttered as she walked past, Something about her race. 

 

The lady woke up 

To find ‘go home’ painted bold on her front door 

She was upset and confused 

For her home was no more.

 

Her home was torn to pieces 

Riddled with war and poverty

She had no choice but to leave 

And come here as a minority.

 

She’s worried for her child

Apprehensions about school 

And the welcoming he’ll receive 

From teachers, peers - them all.

 

Muslims have been racialised

To increase shared ideals and values

Strengthening the cultural ignorance 

Incited by the news.

 

These patriotic people

That live with us in Britain 

Through fear they cause anxiety 

For those like the lady mentioned.

 

She’s felt the wrath of pain already

Please now let her be 

She’ll learn the language slow and steady 

She doesn’t need a 3rd degree.

 

We can’t chose where we’re born,

The religion, race and culture 

But we can choose if we scorn 

Treating difference like a vulture.

 

Her eyes were forced to witness

The life leave her young sons body 

And the bullet that took his life away 

Was distributed by our country.

 

Our nation has done enough

To cause the pain and suffering 

So please just be more kind 

To make her life worth baring.

 

🌷 (3)

anxietybe kindcompassionculturedestructiondifferenceEarthempathyEnglandequalityfearlovepeacerefugereligionunityWar

◄ Empires, Peace and Mother Nature

Comments

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Don Matthews

Sat 9th Jun 2018 04:55

I see your point Big Sal. The idea is there in your mind already. It should be a able to be written quickly. This comes with ones development as a writer. Perfection is never possible. Going over a poem (how often did she?) and taking all day to decide on a comma is going overboard.

Nice chatting
Don 😎

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Big Sal

Fri 8th Jun 2018 20:35

Good point, but most poets can take years and still not be that good. Taking time to put pen to paper and it taking days, or a week, or a year, that's way too long to pretend any significant changes can be made (unless it's grammar editing). My point was that if you can avoid the bogged down time it takes for most poets to get through the writer's block and can put out a piece like this in so little time, I'd rather read that than one that takes a year to write and still is sub-par in substance and essence. However long it takes is irrelevant when I like the poem for what it is. I couldn't care less how long it took to write it when the poem itself can stand on its own. I've always abhorred writers that take forever to write a simple piece of what should have been on their mind the entire time. Writing takes years to perfect and most people never even get this far, but writing a short poem? I doubt it really takes a year to add a few words unless someone really doesn't read their own work that often.

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Don Matthews

Fri 8th Jun 2018 06:27

Big Sal - I have never known a poet who is able to whip something up in less than half n hour qualifying for the title of a 'good poet'. Most good poets sleep on their work, rework etc until they are happy with it. Oscar Wilde spent a whole morning removing a comma, then all afternoon putting it back. Another poet spent a year 'remodelling' till she was happy.

However, I do agree with you, there is a time limit when everything just turns into a blur

Don😎

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Don Matthews

Fri 8th Jun 2018 06:18

Hi again Connie

Realise, it all takes time. It's OK if you are writing just for yourself but as soon as you put it up for the 'world' to see you become vulnerable. Fortunately here at WOL we all want to help each other improve. We're here to help, not criticize. But, you need to take some basic 'self-protective' steps. Never post without checking spelling etc

As MC says if you seek interaction with other poets (and I'm just a beginner) you need to strengthen yourself up with the language of poets

It all takes time. Listen to that metronome beating in your head. The rhythm of the line. Like your heartbeat.

Don😎

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M.C. Newberry

Fri 8th Jun 2018 03:27

Connie - know what you mean about "strong" subjects.
Maths was never my own strong subject but if I transact
business involving numbers I give them extra attention to make sure I don't get misunderstood - or misunderstand.
It all "adds up" to the best result!!

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Big Sal

Fri 8th Jun 2018 01:45

When you can put something out in less than half an hour and have it come out good - that makes a good poet. Think too hard about it and you'll never find the right words. Nice one 👍

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Anya

Thu 7th Jun 2018 22:23

Thank you M C, Don and Connie.

I am sipping on all goodness here 😃

Anya xxx

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Connie Walter

Thu 7th Jun 2018 22:09

Thank you for your feedback Don, I shall return to it when I next feel the need to write. I wasn’t aware of any of that information so it is greatly appreciated 😊

..
and that’s okay Anya, I’m glad we are all learning - for everyday is a school day after all.

Thank you for your feed M.C. Newberry - English never was my strongest subject, but I’m keen to get better with my spelling and make less mistakes.. I never really check through before I post, as I assume not many read it, and it’s only for me, but I’ll try and be more vigilant in the future.

Thank you all for being kind enough to comment and offer feedback ☺️💖

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M.C. Newberry

Thu 7th Jun 2018 18:21

The theme is worthy and not unknown on WOL.
I will let DM's comments stand and merely ask whether, in
verse 3, last line, you actually intended to use 'condescension' rather than 'condensation'?
Words require careful consideration & checking, e.g. "baring"="bearing"!
They are the tools of the trade, to be handled with care, and that embraces spelling, meaning, plus the correct use of grammar.
If you haven't already acquired them, I suggest you obtain
1. a good dictionary.
2. A Thesaurus.
3. A rhyming dictionary (VERY useful when the right
words can be elusive). The great songwriter, Sammy
Cahn, even compiled his own for commercial sale under
his name. He, a three-time Oscar winner for his
lyrics, had no hesitation is ensuring he had the best
access to obtaining the right results in what he sought
to communicate through his many memorable lines.
The rest can't be 'taught' and comes from within.
Keep 'em coming! Good luck.

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Anya

Thu 7th Jun 2018 12:49

Connie great poem!

Don, I absolutely love your comment! I wish more great poets in here would serve lessons like that as well. Some incredible talents already do it, which I greatly appreciate forever!!! How amazing would be to have more people sharing their knowledge. Thank you!!!! Connie I know it is for you, but I am learning from that too 😙

Anya x

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Don Matthews

Thu 7th Jun 2018 12:26

Hi again Connie,

Anyone can write a rhyme like 'Jack and Jill'. Writing good rhyme is not easy. Especially when you are trying to use rhyme-mode about a serious subject like you have here. To me it's the topmost and most rewarding challenge. It's not easy Connie. Have a look at my latest post 'Imperfect Leaders'. I was determined to convert a news article into this form. Only 2 verses, but I was pleased with the result. Have others in the pipeline with the same challenge- convert prose into rhyme.

Have you heard of the term 'scansion' ? The procedure of scanning a line for it's meter (rhythm). Do you understand iamb and trochee line starts in rhyme ?

Look at my work and you will get some feel for how I create my rhyme.

Let's look at one of your verses:

The man with the tattoos

Stared and screwed up his face

Words muttered as she walked past,

Something about her race.

To me it sounds a bit jilted. I would make it flow more.

The man with all the tattoos
Stared and screwed up his face
And words he muttered as she walked past
Were something about her race

Lines 1,2,4 scan 3 beats. Line 3 scans 4 beats. The challenge is to keep this pattern in all verses. Change words to fit. End 2nd 4th line should rhyme (or sort of). 1st and 3rd line you can word yourself but keep scans the same in each verse.

Phew. Here endeth my first (loooong) lesson in rhyme

PS There is a lot of work to be done if you want to 'tidy' it up. At least you had a go. That's the most important thing

Don 😎

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Connie Walter

Thu 7th Jun 2018 08:59

Thank you for your comment, no offence taken don’t worry I appreciate the feedback. I don’t write profressionally and so the majority of my poems are written in half hour or less. For example this one took me 20 minutes, so they are all a little messy and could do with tidying up, but it was late as you can tell by the time I posted it. Also, I tend to read certain words slower/faster to make it fit but it’s hard to convey that over written form. Any tips or advice would be greatly appreciated

Thank you

Connie 😃

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Don Matthews

Thu 7th Jun 2018 00:48

Hi Connie,

I also write to vent my emotions. I also mainly use rhyme-mode - which made me immediately drawn to your piece here. Please don't take this as a criticism but as a rhymer I am constantly aware of the metronome ticking away in my head. If the beat in a line is suddenly off-kilter I go all shuddery and want to tweak things and make it on-kilter again. This happened a few times - for me.

Keep venting Connie. That's what keeps us going. Clever use of language here.

Don 😎

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