Love Conquers All

Sitting on the kitchen floor 

in the middle of the night

Pill packets to the left of me 

and a knife just to the right 

I was young, I was broken 

I felt I couldn’t win the fight

Hopeless and desperate 

I wanted a way out of this life

This wasn’t something new

there had been many other times

But usually the prescription drugs 

were enough to suppress the crime

To neutralise emotions 

and make my functioning robotic

But this night in particular 

I couldn’t cope with that rhetoric 

Contemplating suicide 

and planning out the process

I even wrote you a letter

because to me you meant the mostest 

I knew you were sleeping 

and I didn’t want you to wake and find me

So I planned it for the next day 

when you were with your daddy

I know it seems selfish 

and maybe dramatic

But when you’re caught in that headspace there’s not much that can change it

I thought my life was over 

I thought I wasn’t worth the air 

Everyone around me proved 

just how little they really cared 

I couldn’t see the light

I couldn’t see the future

Depression weighed me down

like an ever growing tumour 

I couldn’t leave the house 

and I couldn’t get out of bed

I couldn’t stop the tears 

from my eyes they’d forever spread 

But after finalising plans 

and being fixated on the finish line

I came upstairs to get in bed 

and you looked me in the eyes

You wiped away my tears and said 

‘don’t worry mummy you got me’

Half asleep and mumbled 

but those words they went in deep

Just 4 years old 

but so mature in your emotions

You understood it all 

you knew I was sad and frightened 

You saved your mummy’s life that night

You save me everyday 

My mind started wondering 

all these scenarios came into play

How would I know 

that you would be happy safe and loved

The void in my soul 

was no longer enough-

Enough of a reason to give up 

and take the exit door

Because you need me here 

and there’s nothing I would not endure 

All your pain, all your suffering 

I would take that as my own

So how could I justify 

being defeated by my own?

Love conquers all

& It really fucking does 

In a few short minutes 

I decided to not give up

I swear if it weren’t for you 

I would be 6ft in the ground 

Without you this body-

lifeless, they would have found

Instead I was fuelled 

with this fire in my heart

That wanted you to have it better

I could never tear your heart apart

I hate myself 

for even contemplating suicide 

I hate myself 

for considering leaving your side

And now 2 years later 

I’m an overbearing mother

Nothing I wouldn’t do

You’re my prince, so I smother

But please don’t hate me for it

I just love you like no other

I let you get your way

More often than I should

I ask for your opinion 

More than I probably would

But my heart strings are pulled tight

With the guilt and the shame

I remember that night so vividly

I only have myself to blame

You pulled me through that testing trial

You pulled me through them all

And made all the hurt worthwhile

You are my love, pinochle 

And hearing that you told your teachers

How proud you are of me 

Standing up in circle time

Saying mummy got her degree 

Fuck, that made me overwhelmed 

That hit me in my core

It’s not about the paper

It’s what that finish line stands for

It could have ended miserably 

If it wasn’t for you that night 

You’ll never know how much I love you

You saved your mummy’s life

blesseddepressiongratefulLovemotherhoodnegativitypainpositivityself destructionsonsorrowsuicidal

◄ These men

Empires, Peace and Mother Nature ►


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Connie Walter

Thu 7th Jun 2018 09:03

Thank you Emaz.. your comment is greatly appreciated ☺️

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Emaz Malik

Tue 29th May 2018 02:08

Wow this poem was an emotional roller coaster! Very beautifully written from start to finish

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