Wishing I Were Sad

I was drowning in a lake with no water

It was really a pit

somewhere below my heart.

I lay still because I thought that might stop it from growing

And in the nights, which became days, I swallowed my tongue

Thick with gluey, unspoken words

They told me to write and so I picked up a pen

And a useless limp sheet of paper

And I almost got through the first line

Then I remembered that my brain is play-dough

So I broke the pen between my teeth and

Black ink filled the pit in my belly

Even now, though my stomach is no longer in my bowels, and my throat has widened enough that I can breathe

I am still frightened.

Frightened of the waves that almost took me under

and the knowledge that you can drown on dry land

◄ Herbicidal Wall Flower

I Love You Donald Trump ►


<Deleted User> (13762)

Mon 29th Jan 2018 08:47

I can't add anything more to the conversation that hasn't already been said except perhaps to say that your writing has always been one of my favourites here on WoL and I hope in time to read much much more. Take care. Colin.

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Wolfgar Miere

Mon 29th Jan 2018 00:03

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you Alex, and b'jesus you are communicating now.

To be human is to be flawed, and there is a beauty in that beyond compare.

Stay strong and know you are not alone, reach out and you will find someone coming the other way.


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Alexandra Rockwell Lorenz

Sun 28th Jan 2018 23:32

David, thank you. The past few weeks I have been incapacitated. This poem was virtually the first thing I wrote or said in a long time.

I've been really struggling with the feeling that even when I think I have said exactly what I need to say to make people understand me, some how I am stil speaking a foreign language.

It's frustrating, not because I blame the people who don't understand, but because I feel like there is something wrong with me and my inability to communicate.

I am glad that it resonated with you on some level.

You aren't patronizing in the least.


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Wolfgar Miere

Sun 28th Jan 2018 22:02

Hello Alexandra,

A brave and open poem if ever I've seen one.

It exposes the fear a person has during depression, knowing there is something desperately wrong and not being able to change anything or do anything about it.

I think it is difficult for some people to comprehend depression as compared to sadness,(mostly those who haven't experienced it, and that isn't their fault) it is a very difficult thing to describe. You have captured that feeling so well here.

When you say "I am still frightened" I understand that feeling.

Without wishing to be patronizing you should be proud that you have had the courage and strength to write this poem.


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Alexandra Rockwell Lorenz

Sun 28th Jan 2018 21:49

Hi Martin, thank you for your comment and the compliment.
The title refers to my longing for sadness rather than depression.

Sadness (for me) has a cause. My depression is a pit in my stomach that exists for no reason. It is impossible to willfully eradicate. Sadness at least eases when the cause is addressed.

I have a horrible habit of writing titles that are not very self explanatory or well-linked to the poems themselves, so I apologize if it was a bit confusing!

Thanks again

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Martin Elder

Sun 28th Jan 2018 17:17

This is a superb poem . But you don't have to be sad to write although I have to confess that I am sure some of my built melancholic tendencies do help my writing.
Nice one Alexandra

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