“After much deliberation and with some doubt I post this”
Speak to any old soldier and he will tell you the importance of concentration on the drill square. Changing step on the march can find you floundering at the wrath of a red faced drill sergeant if your mind is elsewhere. Getting it together again as quickly as possible is vital for your dignity.
My path of spiralling madness and anger has brought me to rest at a place of peace and tranquility. From here I can look back at my twisted approach to this safer ground. I see a man adrift running like a rat in a maze, cart wheeling through streets of a midland town asking strangers for his answer. I hear a thousand empty glasses slam down on a thousand fuel soaked bar-tops, I see the head in hands agony of a drowning man, the fuming anger and the spittle gathering and flying into shocked and surprised faces. The predictable foot fall from bar to bar, the blurring of days and time, the inevitable descent into all consuming isolation.
Unlike the voice that screams at you on the drill square and puts you back in place there is only silence here. There are if you’re lucky the soothing words of those who have not yet deserted you, which almost inevitably you will ignore. There are the memories of what you were before all this which wake you in the night, but by the new dawn are forgotten and replaced with the disappointment of still being alive.
Then if you survive all this there is the new emptiness you will feel, the realisation of the damage you have done to self and others.
Slowly try to wash the rant from your mind, let the fury pass through you and melt away, you will build nothing with your anger. You will not take one step with that heavy load. Smile at it like an old enemy, no longer a threat but passing you by on a busy street. Become something else, something born from an experience that you refuse to waste. Snap back into a pace that you set, rejoin the march but whistle your own tune.
After all this you have earned your peace, your path will stretch before you to a new horizon. You will look back upon all that brought you here and not regret one day, because everything endured delivered you to this new peace.
© Wolfgar 1/2018