The Final Witness

Shallowly sagging in vicious winds of a cold autumn night,

The grass vibrates me a tune as I wander forwards through green and yellow forest,

Blissful mist of rain creating small fluorescent puddles on my skin.

 

The acidic thorns of men once stood behind the walls of fantasy seeping into the water,

Scorching my skin,

Red splotches ooze remnants of a world once to have been seen beneath heavy eyelids.

 

I trek forwards ignoring these facts within my mind,

The wind increasing alongside with my foothold’s ever decreasing stature,

Mud slipping towards the sky!

 

My bones breaking underneath great weight of earth,

Beneath the sorrow and anguish of stagnant rain and mist,

To infect my blood even further still.

 

Gather feet of the old men,

To stand before the storm alone,

Witness the final day!

 

Do not weep

🌷 (1)

angeranxietyDepressionfirehopelessManiasadnessstress

◄ Dad

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Comments

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adrian metcalf

Thu 31st Aug 2017 19:00

Hi Cynthia,

Thank you so much for all your comments, I am always happy to receive feedback (Especially when constructive like yours is).

Thank you very much for the kind words and I will remember this for sure for future poems. I think a big part of what makes poetry great is the act of just trusting your gut (referencing when you said 'you'll know').

Thanks again, your support and advice is always greatly appreciated 😀

Best of luck to you,
Adrian

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Cynthia Buell Thomas

Thu 31st Aug 2017 15:19

Very strong in concept and production. The work of a thinking man.

Now, go back and do some serious 'cancelling', 'pitching out' every word that does not serve a PERFECT PURPOSE, which trips up the impact of a rich idea by even one syllable. Read it out loud, again and again, and you'll know, you'll just 'know'. Because good poetry is 'speech'.

I have had so much splendid 'advice' about this aspect of creating when I participated in writing groups. My companions were informed and ruthless. I learned a lot and I'm really grateful.

'Shallowly sagging' is a rough start with such a mouthful of syllables. Does 'forward' add much to your idea? Or can you simply 'wander through' and get to the gritty stuff?

Always with respect. I'm sure you said you'd like feedback. Hope I'm right. I write this because I think you're good. Not that I'm better; just sharing what most helped me.

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