Learning to stop feeling guilty for getting my shit together

It suddenly struck me
It's the end of June, I thought.
That means. Oh shit that means
her anniversary is here again.
I felt a sense of guilt because
the date of her passing had slipped my mind
I guess I've just been busy
visiting friends and family
and moving to a new area.
Oh and I've not been particularly well.
Nothing to worry about Mum
I just keep having these seizures
I never had them when you were around
they are linked to anxiety and
Fuck it. Forget it.
Hang on. Why am I making up excuses?
I won't bore you with the details
All you need to know is that
I'm determined to fight on through
and yes I still miss you Mum.
Don't be daft. Of course I do.
I remembered your Birthday
February 28th.
I didn't do much but I thought about you a lot.
Happy memories are returning
I can see beyond the harsh and harrowing now.
It took a long time
I'm getting there.

The thing is Mum.
I wanted to say sorry because
I had to check the exact date you passed away
I knew it was the end of June
I can still remember you
laying motionless in that hospice room.
The family who stood around
and my own feelings
That made me want to escape from them
I don't feel that way any more.
I spent time with Nanna and Granddad last month when I visited Leeds.
They all miss you too but seem better somehow.
It had been at least a year or more
and a visit was long overdue.
I saw pictures of you in the living room there
It was the first time I had been able to look at your face
It felt like I had forgotten part of you
Unable to visualise the smile
Or the life in your eyes

Anyway. Sorry. I digress.
Like I said I had to check the date you passed
I knew it was the end of June
I panicked at the thought I may have missed the day
I felt relief when I saw that it was June 28th.
It's the first time I've had to check in four years.
I no longer feel guilt for that.
I'm trying to move forward and live again.
Sometimes I think you would no longer recognise me.
After going through so many changes
all the cracks and breaks at various stages
I need you to know I will always hold you in my heart
I wish you were still here Mum
Of course I do
I just can't keep struggling to exist in the gaps between your birthday and anniversary each year
There is much work stilll to do
I'll get there
And when I do
I'll look back and remember
How much I owe to you.


◄ Super Mum: Another Working Class Hero

Be The Adult You Would Have Wanted To Be ►


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