That Feeling

entry picture

You know that feeling?
That feeling when you just want the right thing
To fall into the right place, not only because it's right,
But because it will mean that such a thing is still possible?

Like singing in the rain.
I'm singing in the rain right now
And it's such a damn glorious feeling.
An unexpected downpour
and I am just giving myself into it

Because what else can you do?
Run for cover?
Shriek and curse?
No

When the rain falls you just let it fall
And you grin like a madman
And you dance with it
Because if you can make yourself happy in the rain,
Then you're doing pretty alright in life.

Yet, this feeling is awful
Why do I even bother?
Making myself open, easy damage?

Is it all loneliness?
Is it all fear?
Or is it just to experience those narcotic moments
Of that arching desire to be with someone else?

I’m such a goddamn runner
I’ll run every time without looking back
But deep down, I don’t want to run
I just feel like I need to
Partly because I’m a self-loathing nerd
And partly because I’m a fucking human being.

I'm not that guy waiting for his forever and always
I wear Vans shoes and comic book shirts.
I don't have the killer body
Sometimes I don't wash my hair
And sometimes I sleep with the light on at night

I see every day as a song.
And I don't live in one song.
I move from song to song,
From lyric to lyric,
From chord to chord.

Truth be told,
I wish I could say how I feel
Get these maddening thoughts out of my head
Without writing a fucking poem about it

Deep breaths now,
I am taking deep breaths.
I need to keep my composure.
Which, for me, means composing.

Maybe this is my way of creating the illusion
Of control over something, I have no control over.
Like, if it's just a story I'm telling or a song I'm singing,
I'll be okay because I'm the guy who's providing the words.

But then, of course, you came around
And I was so mad that you did
Because you got me ready for things
That I didn’t want to be ready for.

Like being open, being hurt
Liking, not being liked
Leaping.
Falling.
Crashing.

I remember when I first saw you
My heartbeat accelerated
It was ticking
It was pulsing
As I was analyzing you
In microscopic detail

It felt like music
A live concert
Except there was no audience
Only sweet instruments

And now, I'm thinking to myself
I would like to dance in the rain with this person
Sing in the rain with this person
And share that glorious feeling.

I owe you a big explanation.
You probably think I’m some crazy nut
But I just don’t know what I’m doing
And I seem to have dragged you along this ride.

You’re nice to me
And you understand me
And that scares me.
Because this never happens to guys like me.

You inspire me
You helped me
You guided me
You saved me
And I don’t know how to deal with that

I wish I could stop liking you
But who am I kidding
I enjoy liking you
It’s my guilty pleasure

You are smart
Beautiful
Amazing

I could feel this way forever
But I can’t
This can never be more than fiction
You deserve so much better than me
Because you’re cinematic and I'm a fucking sitcom

And I need to shut down my brain soon,
Or my imagination will take off too far
About what could be with you,
That nothing will ever be

Geez, I’m so damn stupid
For always getting into situations like this
For getting my hopes up.
For not having more realistic hopes.

So, if you want to leave right now
Drive home and forget my name
And forget what I look like,
I wouldn’t blame you in the least.

But you haven’t left yet
You look into my eyes
Like you’re looking into my soul
You put your hand on my arm
In a way that made me really notice I had an arm
And you pulled me into a deep hug
And you held on so tightly

It was like we were in a tornado,
And we were at the center of it,
And we were at the center of each other.
My wrist touched yours right at the point of our pulses,
And I swear I could feel it.

That feeling
That feeling when you just want the right thing
To fall into the right place, not only because it's right.
You’re that feeling.

 

loveunknown feeling

◄ The Girl with the Ruby Shoes

For Ali :) ►

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