24 (raw, unedited)

Its a little easier now,
Now that I'm 24

When I think about what I've experienced 
And what I have seen
A little easier than thinking 
I'm 21, still in college
And I've broken human ribs
A little easier than hearing
You're only 21
You are so naive 
You haven't seen anything yet -

A little, but not much.

At 24
I have watched a human being
Take their last breath
And I have watched a human being
Take their first 
Both at my own hands 
And the hands of my partner

At 24
I have seen defeat and surrender
Hanging by a noose on a tree
I have seen timers due to sound off 
At any second, picked them up
And turned them back
I have felt crippling pain
Unfathomable sadness
Came to terms with death
For months, he and I were pals

At 24
I have realized, understood, and took the appropriate steps to achieve
The training I need
To be exactly who I am supposed to be in this world
I have made confident decisions and taken decisive actions
And saved lives 

At 24
I have rode in the back of a box truck
With a dead body 
I have drilled a hole into a human bone,
Both alive and dead
I have analyzed and overanalyzed
Had months of nightmares trying
To process situations, what ifs
All in the name of someone
Else's life

At 24
I have seen my own flesh and blood
Destroy their only body 
And beg to die
The same week I had been contemplating 
Ending my own life
And never did I say a word about that
And not till I was alone did I finally cry

At 24 
I have seen families destroyed 
Intentionally and unintentionally 
I have seen beloved pets smoulder and stop breathing
I have been through countless ethical dilemmas
Never to be mentioned or brought up to question or for others to understand,
Its better to lie
Just tonight I had a girl in my care with a broken ankle 
She showed me a picture of her girlfriend 
With such longing for acceptance in her eyes
That it wasn't hard to see 
That her biggest problem lied in
The fault of society, not a fault in her bone
I had a man with three problems,
AIDS, rectal cancer and severe hypotension 
Grey as the subject matter,
Trying to leave this world

At 24
I have come to terms with
A narcissistic mother
An alcoholic father 
Broken family ties on both sides,
A sexual assault and the loss of
An opportunity because of it
I've seen sinners survive and heroes 
Take their own lives

At 24
Its a little easier to think about 
What I have experienced 
When it hurts so hard
To have so soon given up
My innocence

At 24 
Its a little easier

But not much.

◄ Escape

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Comments

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Hallie Elle

Thu 8th Sep 2016 23:25

Thank you David. Your assumptions, or not assumptions, are justified and definitely not taken offense to. I have nothing to hide here.

Hallielle

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Wolfgar Miere

Thu 8th Sep 2016 22:57

I really like this, its rawness should not be edited...thats my opinion any way.

The repeating really works, because that is how we process thoughts when we are thinking (well, how some of us do)

I find it interesting, the element of justification for your existence in this piece, as if only by suffering and toil can you gain the respect of others. (I am not assuming this is auto biographic or otherwise) merely taking as written, that said it carries the air of authenticity.

Forgive me making this point, I am 53 and still feel the need that others recognise my past, of course this is not rational because how could they unless I had told them.

I still feel as if I have not earned my place or the respect of others, I suppose many people are constantly testing themselves like this.

The last two lines are very true for me, I suspect for many others also...no-matter what great age we manage to survive until.

You made me think and reflect on how I felt at that age, and honestly not much changes really, maybe our confidence and self assurance.

Really good piece,

David.

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