Sitting in my cold room
That I fondly call my personal cell
I think about all the things I’ve done.
I see a black smoking gun
And like a coward, I grab it
My hand begins to become sweat.
My face is puffy and red,
While painful tears stream down my face
How did I get this low?
There is something inside of me
Not sadness or hatred, not even pride,
A blank spot on a map where something used to be.
I grab a bullet
And put it in the gun
This is going to end tonight.
Every day I live with this burning pain
That is buried deep within my heart
I just can’t deal with it anymore.
Clutching my chest tightly
There's no use trying to flee
It's just the demons and me.
They come late at night,
Flooding my mind,
Shredding my soul.
Placing the gun against my head
Closing my weary eyes tightly
Soon everything will be alright.
It calls me closer, it calls me near
Just pull the trigger and it'll be over
Death whispers in my ear.
No peace in my mind
No peace in my head
No peace in my heart.
I’m awkward and clumsy
With a tendency to break anything I touch
With my weak hands.
These obsessive ideals that I have
To think everything is my fault
Has led me to this dark moment.
I tried my best to be like everyone else
Gave it everything I’ve got
But I just don’t fit in the world.
All my friends say I should seek help
Because I can’t handle myself
And they can’t handle me.
I guess I’m getting too unstable
Too much for anyone to handle
Too much for God to handle.
Maybe happiness isn’t for me
Maybe I can’t have what everyone else has
But I can’t go another day feeling like that.
If love is a gift
Then I don’t deserve it
Because I give love an awful name.
This is the worst choice
This is my last choice
I feel this darkness surrounding me.
A darkness that consumes the light
My breath weighs a ton
And blurriness blinds my sight.
Anger and rage has my soul
It’s taking over everything
I just don’t care anymore.
I don’t care about being remembered
I don’t care about being forgotten
I just want this pain to end
My life is my delusion,
A world made of fantasies.
Happiness is no longer the illusion
23 years of wasted potential
I’m throwing it all away
I’m ready to go.
Second thoughts start to appear
My life replays in my mind
As a sad attempt to remember happier times.
I hold the trigger so very tight,
My body quivers
I start to question myself if I’m doing the right thing.
My heart is beating faster now
I don’t belong here anymore
But my finger won’t pull the trigger.
I scream out loud,
“Why won’t you let me die”:
Cursing God with an angry wolf howl.
I guess it’s not my time to go yet
Maybe there are more things I need to do