My Burning Love

Do not hold back your fury.

You are beautiful when you’re angry,

You’re beauty burns the eye and I am branded

A lovesick fool who blindly taunts you

Into raging splendour.

◄ Haiku: Tribute to the Fallen (Revised)

Haiku: SAD ►

Comments

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Robert Mann

Sun 31st Jan 2016 20:42

Thanks everyone - I have taken out the superfluous line and like the new look.
Rob

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raypool

Sun 31st Jan 2016 20:32

Excellent and compact. I must admit to agreeing with Stu, as the word beautiful doesn't need a repeat ! Personal choice obviously.
Nice work Rob.

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Vicki Ayers

Sun 31st Jan 2016 18:25

I love it as it is Rob! But Stu's editing idea also works well - I wouldn't extend it - it takes away from the power of it xx

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Robert Mann

Sun 31st Jan 2016 17:22

Stu - at the moment I am tending to agree with you. Thanks very much for the comments everybody.
Rob

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Stu Buck

Sun 31st Jan 2016 16:39

rob
its great as it is. infact, i'd take away But why do you always have to be so beautiful?.
reason being, it gives the piece a nice symmetry and the branded/angry play. it also speaks better and has a wave like quality to it.

Do not hold back your fury.
You are beautiful when you’re angry,
You’re beauty burns the eye and I am branded
A lovesick fool who blindly taunts you
Into raging splendour.

Thats just me though. I definitely wouldnt extend it, it says everything it needs to say and does so with no fat or filler.

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terry ireland

Sun 31st Jan 2016 16:06

Ultimately the decision is yours Robert, but in my opinion it is just fine the way it is. Very nice piece of work.

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Patricio LG

Sun 31st Jan 2016 15:31

No it doesn't need extending.. It's lovely,, so long as when you are goading her she doesn't hit you with something heavy ha ha

Celia

Sun 31st Jan 2016 15:18

I wouldn't extend it. But then I guess the question is for you - whether you feel something essential of what you wanted to say is missing. If not, short is good.

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Robert Mann

Sun 31st Jan 2016 15:14

To anyone reading this: I am undecided whether this piece needs extending. Your comments would be appreciated.
Rob

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