Back to work today. Was nice to be out of my head for a little while. I think I have calmed down a bit after beating myself up all weekend. It did make me seriously consider why I am on the waiting list for CBT though. I don’t think it would do me any good.

When I had my original mental health assessment, it was on a morning where I had only managed to get out of bed at 11am. I felt a bit shitty for what was left of the morning because there was not much of the morning left. I got the call for the telephone assessment at about half past twelve. While we were talking, the fact that I got up late and beat myself up a little bit about it came up. She told me that I was looking at the negative side of things. She told me I should look on the positive side of things. Instead of thinking ‘Oh, well that’s the morning knackered then. There’s only an hour of it left.’ I should think ‘Hey, I’ve still got an hour of the morning left. I can get something done in that.’ This, I think, is CBT boiled down. Think of things in a positive light.

Now, I like to think most of the time I am pretty positive. I am usually open to doing new things, taking chances. Every time I get on stage I am leaving myself open to the judgement of others but I get into a groove and it goes well. But this kind of thinking is just pointless. There has to be a realism to things or the balance just goes too far the other way.

When I was at university, I went through a bit of a dark time. To try and get out of it, I attended church for a while. I saw the comfort and solace others took from it and wondered if it was have the same effect on me. I know from past experience that I do not buy into the belief system or structure of church but some of the ideas, the teachings I thought could benefit my state of mind. I decided to involve myself with some of the Christian Union activities and social gatherings in order to maximise any experiences I might have had. I remember walking into a campus building one night for a Christian Union social and was greeted by a wall-to-wall tide of smiles. No single negative thought in the room. Now, in a way, this is a beautiful thing. Everyone in there was happy.

But, no negative thought. At all. No balance to the happiness. Happiness without its polar opposite surely holds no meaning. If you never feel down, you can’t appreciate the highs. This was the last time I went to one of these gatherings. It felt dangerous in there. A room full of sociopaths.

Here is a poem. The prompt is ‘hush’ from VerseReversal

And silence crawls

from cracked lips.

Hushed tones fade

and mingle with nitrogen

and oxygen in an

empty forest.

Here is another poem. The prompt is ‘Murderous Monday’ and comes from ColddarkPoetry