Can you get sex on the NHS?

This is a poem dealing with sexual matters and outdated, sexist humour.

Can you still get sex on the NHS? If the answer's yes, can I get some on prescription please. (It's free if you're over 60.)

Would the sex therapist/worker be an 'Anabel Chong' lookalike, prepared to take on any schlong, no matter what shape it might be, or how short or long it is?

What type of people qualify for free sex? Is it people like me who have a hex on them when it comes to doing the dirty deed (the dirtier the better), and for whom onanism can no longer heal the schism of this emotional need?

Some people are really greedy when it comes to the number of sexual partners they've had; but only a cad (like Russell Brand) would shag and tell. Though I've seen an ad for a forthcoming series on BBC 3 where this young man claims to have had 300 sexual partners!! What a fanny magnet he must be? If only a fraction of what he's got could rub off (Freudian slip?) onto me it could mean ecstasy at the next 'grab a granny' night down at the local tea dance. After all, it was Albert Steptoe who said: 'You don't look at the mantel piece while you're poking the fire.' 'Har, har, har!!!' (Syd James-type dirty laugh.)


Cosmo Smallpiece.

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kealan coady

Wed 4th Jan 2012 15:55

i like this but id never go to a state run brothel. fucken hell
and then some part time greggs worker would come out, all 900 stone of her, and ud be expected to climax or lose half your dole. No thanks.
Good poem though.

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Tommy Carroll

Tue 3rd Jan 2012 22:26

Can you fuck?
Can you fuck!

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Rachel Bond

Tue 3rd Jan 2012 22:06

i think sex should be available on the nhs, in the doctors room, with a stethescope. my doctor is quite willing and prefers to pay me for the service rather than bother with his fee.

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