FOREVER ASLEEP

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Under the ground

Soil muffles the sound

This is where the dead sleep.

 

So quiet and still

All is peace under this hill.

The granite pillow marking their bed.

 

They can’t hear the cries,

The reluctant goodbyes,

Of loved ones above the  ground.

 

Their troubles are ended

Their struggles all gone

And the living?

 

The living live on.

◄ MOTHER KNOWS BEST

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Comments

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Katy Lisa

Sun 5th Feb 2012 19:18

reminds me something i may read in a sympathy card, but that's not been horrible or a insult as i really like this.. i really like 'The granite pillow marking their bed'

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Manda Lee

Thu 12th Jan 2012 00:37

Cheers everyone for such great feedback on this piece. Andy and Jeff have amended this line now so it stands alone. See what you both mean. My Gothic heart was singing to me when I wrote this one. Us old Goths love graveyards.

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Jeff Dawson

Wed 11th Jan 2012 12:38

Love the depth in the lines here Manda, and I thought some of mine were morbid (including the opening lines of my latest blog!), but you've some up some valuable thoughts here.

The last line on it's own or the last two, could make more of a point as Andy says, but whatever there's a lot of weight in each stanza, simple but powerful and very effective.

You've also summed up that whatever happens in life, at some stage we'll get rest, 'their troubles ended, their struggles gone' great stuff Jeff X

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Dave Bradley

Wed 28th Dec 2011 15:26

Not a structure I can recall coming across before (not that I'm techie) but it does seem to work here for slowing the reader up and ensuring the last line of each stanza is properly pondered. Thought-provoking.

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Andy N

Tue 27th Dec 2011 10:16

hi manda - this is top stuff.. bit of a different voice i felt to some of your stuff i've read, but a different voice or style is always good..

one minor suggestion thou - on the last line - you 'the living live on' - why not bring that away into it's own stanza to raise the point it is raising.

otherwise, keep em coming xx

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Na'im

Mon 26th Dec 2011 23:48

A really nicely done piece, Manda. The first stanza gives a really sombre, almost macabre effect? It's almost as if the reader is under the soil, although i may be reading too much into it. The last stanza certainly packs a punch. Good job x

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Manda Lee

Mon 26th Dec 2011 21:24

Thank you Steve. I guess the living carry on as best they can. There isn't really any other option. Not in the same way as before certainly but you have to believe in a new future.

steve mellor

Mon 26th Dec 2011 10:35

Not the most obvious subject of which to say I enjoyed it, perhaps. But I did. Simply stated and all the better for it. I like 'simply stated'

'The living live on' but do they?

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