A Bed Sheet Apart

On a single sheet, still we lie,

I wonder if she can see the noose -

wrapped around my heart I can’t untie!


Appears creases that did once act –

to mark our electric spark,

have long since been ironed flat.


The side that once remained cold –

befriended by her again;

whilst to the edge, my lonely bones hold.


Ominous sound of another sigh;

Profusely sweat seeps from my pores,

I wonder if she even cares why?


Neurotically, I twist and turn -

why as she moves away –

does my tongue begin to burn?


I wait to meet her blue eyes,

To catch the icy look of contempt -

that I have grown to recognise.


The drop of her naked shoulder,

The turn of an untouched cheek;

I forget how it feels to hold her?


When once I took her breath away;

A heart left drowning in complacency –

bereft of air in our state of decay.


The gloves are off and we go to War! ►


<Deleted User> (8730)

Sat 6th Aug 2011 15:50

I have bneen there twice....

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Ray Miller

Fri 5th Aug 2011 20:10

Avoid unnatural formulations like

still we lie, that did once act,profusely sweat seeps

The poem is wholly led by rhyme and this results in a few absurdities

Appears creases that did once act - what does that mean?
Neurotically, I twist and turn -

As she moves away –

my tongue begins to burn?

which suggests an STD to me.

There is a lack of consistent rhythm which is generally thought to be important in this kind of poem.

Find some poetry that you like and ponder what it is you like about it. Try something similar yourself. On the plus side, you've got plenty of time to improve.

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Jonathan Mamczynski

Fri 5th Aug 2011 15:21

Work in progress....would really appreciate any criticism, suggestion or advice...:D

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