Sleeping too much,

Thinking about the spaces

Hiding between words 

And trying to get



But it comes

With eyes wide shut,

Navigating those long

Corridors and buying

Clothes from empty



It beats down

On us, and we rub 

At our eyes, trying 

To see through those

Dancing flourscant 



But it's all flat;

Tarpaulin pulled over

Soothed boards sitting

Beyond the reach 

Of our arms. 


The television presses

Fuzz to our ears, whispering 

'Turn me on, something 

Good will be on soon'. 

And the refrigerator churns


Through it's hot-and-cold, 

It's cackling mechanics 

Cough occasionally, and we 

Sit up straight and wonder whether

We were dreaming.


Sleeping too much,

Thinking about the spaces

Hiding between objects

And maybe I'll

Get better.



◄ Delicate

Portrait ►


<Deleted User> (8730)

Wed 27th Jul 2011 14:04

I would not change a thing. I read a naff book on poetry criticism this morning. I like the repition in the last verse. That is a good potry trick. I wrote a similar poem once called Closing My Eyes and also one called Coma.

I am now on 15,500 hits for my poetry.....

<Deleted User> (8043)

Tue 26th Jul 2011 10:52

What I might change:

First stanza is okay - might full stop after 'much'. Change 'navigating those long' to 'navigating long' - also, too many adjectives - it all seems the same ('long corridors' 'empty supermarkets').

Third stanza 'those dancing' to just 'dancing.

Forth: comma after 'soothed boards'.

Fifth: none.

We shall see.

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