Stillborn

Words that have no meaning

even to the ghost that speaks them,

shadows of youth

lost in what might have been.

 

Sons of the workers

daughters of the flesh,

even the dreams die

before they are born.

 

Stillborn babies talking to me

Stillborn babies smiling at me.

 

should i leave out the last two lines!

◄ I AM

Then the Rain Came Down ►

Comments

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bernard shelton

Thu 13th Jan 2011 00:11

Alison,Andy, Philipos thank you all for your comments.

Alison, ha, you love a question, good for you mate, we all need to ask questions!

maybe going along with you Philipos, like your suggestion

Andy, thanks mate

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Andy N

Mon 10th Jan 2011 08:17

i like Philipos suggestion here Bernie, but it's one to be careful on otherwise it will head into telling not showing.

the piece is nice otherwise.. A

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Philipos

Sun 9th Jan 2011 16:35

Bernie - I had a quick tinker with the lines and came up with this suggestion - don't know what you think for your final verse: Stillborn babies smiling at me Stillborn babies talking to me
Words that have no meaning even to the ghost that speaks them,






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Alison Smiles

Sun 9th Jan 2011 13:45

I love a question! I read it with and read it without. Gut feeling is if it is more meaningful to you leave it in. If you take those out and somehow want to emphasize the stillborn babies feel then perhaps looking at introducing the word stillborn into the first two verses, stillborn youth or similar may have the same effect.

Mostly, my view is your choice!

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