Vibrators are a girl's best friend

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I'm the proud owner of a brand new toy
the sheer unbridled joy it brings
is more than words can possibly describe
it's a well-kept secret
and I don't quite know why
since I gave it a try, my life has changed
I'm far nicer to be around than before
previous anxieties and frustrations gone
I'm a new woman due to this fantastic invention
I've kissed goodbye to sexual tension
once and for all.
 
Technically it's sinful, a little risque
but value for money, it's got it in abundance
 The main companion in my weekend pursuits
'cos it's simple to use, and fairly silent, unlike others I've known
By no means controlling, crude or violent
no arguing back, in the sack it's a demon
Not even fussed about the compulsory cleaning
and replacement batteries 
He pushes my buttons
I can't get enough of the relentless energy
he makes his presence felt
anywhere he pleases.
 
Evenings spent in seedy pubs
are no more, between the sheets
is where I'm occupied, he rubs me the right way
captures me wheresoever he wishes - 
who needs a man, when life is this exciting?
I wouldn't be lying, if I said I wasn't even trying
no speed dating, no social events, no one night stands
This new-found happiness, I owe it all
to the one that I call 'Purple Paul'
an insatiable beast, this season's must-have 
just don't tell anyone, it's not the done thing
I'm the unofficial rep, you can try it for nothing
,but it will blow your mind
once you find out all the little tricks
it has in store.
 
Want to know more? I'm sure you do
a selfish love that's all about you,
for a woman to call the shots
it's almost unheard of, but in the twenty-first century anything goes
clothes are merely a formality
we're the new generation of uninhibited sexuality
nudity and rudery, it's nowadays accepted
women liberated as opposed to rejected - 
sorry boys, if our libido's affected
it's gonna come as a blow
(the only one you'll get)
but we couldn't care less
couldn't give a stuff
and won't even try to give a fuck
or a suck
since the Rampant Rabbit became our habit.

sex and sexuality

◄ Christmas Lament

Black dog ►

Comments

<Deleted User> (7212)

Fri 31st Dec 2010 21:59

There's an Ann Summers in Preston -(sure you're well acquainted with it !!) & my Missus wanted some frillies. We'd just been in M&S but nothing hit the button (so to speak) - so I said (as we were walking past)- what about in here ? It's got two doors on adjacent corners so in we walked & (as I may have said, she's foreign my gal & not really with it) - and she's looking around & taking knickers & bras off the shelves & holding em up & saying to me - they're all a bit small, aren't they - and look - these have got a hole right in the middle... and these. I was totally cracking up & she was dead serious. Eventually I had to give in & pointed to a vibrator -the penny dropped & whoosh! - she's off. It still cracks me up now thinking about it.
Happy new Year. B

<Deleted User> (7266)

Wed 29th Dec 2010 17:38

It is actually written from the perspective of an Ann Summers rep, who is using the products herself on the sly :) S x

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alan barlow

Sun 26th Dec 2010 00:06

chuckle chuckle after reading black dog this caught my attention as your previous work, surprising i know haha
erm yeah what can i say....but i like the way you "sell" your b.o.b concept as the reader goes on are you on commission? a good take on modern life in so many respects which lends itself to not just sex ;-)

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Isobel

Sat 25th Dec 2010 09:58

You are very brave SJ! I love the way your poem examines all the down sides to its main competitor LOL

I wonder how many churchgoers are of the same mindset but keep it under their hat. You can sit in my pew any day! x

<Deleted User> (7212)

Thu 23rd Dec 2010 23:19

damn - it'll have to be that Steve Black then...

<Deleted User> (7266)

Thu 23rd Dec 2010 21:29

I will fornicate with Dicks... as long as they are Clever Dicks! xx

<Deleted User> (7212)

Thu 23rd Dec 2010 21:29

BTW - I'm coming back as a vibrator next time round :p

<Deleted User> (7212)

Thu 23rd Dec 2010 21:27

.. you can fornicate with this old Dick :D

<Deleted User> (7266)

Thu 23rd Dec 2010 21:21

I'm a churchgoer, therefore some of my congregation might find it so. Not that I think it's sinful, it's better than me fornicating with any old Tom, Dick or Harry! S x

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Cynthia Buell Thomas

Thu 23rd Dec 2010 21:11

You make a good point, drilled it repetitiously maybe, but valid. It's a strong poem about a real social situation, well presented too. IMO, I'm not sure where you got the idea that vibrators are sinful. What might be rather dicey would be a solitary addiction to a machine exclusively in lieu of a real partner, male or female.

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