Strutting out my room,
Clad in oversized shirt and well-worn boots
I begin the catwalk
Tip-toeing temptingly
Down the passage of stairs
Out the door now,
I saunter on gilded pavement
To where the bus will be

Sitting on metal seat
Bright lights,
Broad daylight
My legs crossed over
Provocative
Mint in mouth
Gliding chapstick on my lips
I catch your eye
You sailor boy
When you see me,
How do you see me?
Tell me what you see,
How could you ever think those things of me?

The bus arrives
I step right in
Interpretive body language
Betrays my truer form
I look away, my face turns red
Now on I
Find a window seat
So I can tell
If you’re staring at me
Do I tease you?
Does it please you?
Am I your siren girl?
You know
Touching my hair
Doesn't mean I'm flirting
Touching my lips
Doesn't mean I'm suggesting

Stops go by,
New strangers coming
My nervous tics
A mistranslation
Sounding more tawdry
Than my intention
When you listen
Do you hear me
Do you read each subtitle right?
If I’m so femme fatale
In your little story
Does that make you
Detective?
I suppose you think you know me better
Than I do myself

When my stop comes
Will you let me go
Or will you make me stay?
All those stories you like to tell
Sound fanfiction
You tell me
You love me
You miss me
But do you just
Miss the thought of me
The image in your bed
Constructed with hormone-addled
Pornographic nostalgia
Maybe I’ll humour you
Sing my little song
Lyrics not considered
Bat my eyes on key
And bear my feathers
Because if I’m honest
For a change
The truth I know
Is
I want you to want me
To get what I wanted
Being wanted

Now I’m three stops further,
Switching seat for awkward grab handle
You’re right up behind
You can touch me
You can use me
Just promise you’ll keep me
Another costume change
Genre switch to romcom
Quirks carefully smoothed
From manic to just dream girl
For your
Director’s cut

As the bus
Takes its sharp turns
Those dirty hands remind me
That what I’ve done
What I’ve always done
Is play this broken game
Where I wonder
Always
Why do I say yes
When all I want to say is no
But I’ll keep this ride going
Because deep inside
In that ugly heart-shaped hole
I like the looking
But hate those eyes

Time goes by
We’ve reached the final stop
I’m leaving now
Tentative translates to teasing
As you ask me for another go
I look at you
At what I’ve done
And my mouth finally grasps ‘no’
But you won’t fold so easily
Casting my words back at me
Like fishing line
Hoping to hook me in
We do this power play
But you’re no master fisher
And I’ve heard your sea-shanties
All these lies and legends
To turn me into
Succubus, mermaid, sex doll
When you refuse to see
The real me
But I’ve had enough of your
Distorted transcript
I'm already at the door
And I’m not looking back

(a poem about the complicated relationship I've had with sexuality - the ways innocent things get sexualised and the complicity in allowing yourself to be sexualised in a bid to be wanted.)