Standing in the driveway
I see my reflection through a car door mirror
A ruddy, half-formed echo
As awkward as she is hopeful
A naive school-girl stance
Hoping to hide her dirty knees
And those unsightly patterns
Stitched in a forgotten teenage nightmare
And sealed with dodgy Skype encounters
Pull me ever forward
I wonder
With bags around me
What will this journey cost?

He greets me with kisses
Rough and feral
Moving so fast
That
Thoughts grow irrelevant
As a day spirals into months
Wrapped in flesh
And misunderstandings never-ending
One mistep
Leads to two
Pacing to the well-worn mattress
Where I lose my will to care
What it is I really wanted
What it is I gave away
Tears and unexpected ripping,
A fight with a kick and a struggle
Broken down into confusion
Two singers out of key

I cannot blame him
How could he know
That I was just another deer
Roadkill by accident
This time though
I am ready,
No longer a scared girl
I know I won’t let this happen again

A messy, turbulent friendship
The weather hidden in his eyes
I agree, unthinkingly
Unearned confidence in tow
But all it took
Was a hand on the throat
For me to morph back into my state
Of fawning deer
Stepping on the road, dreamlike
Leading to that big bed
My brain turning off the lights

I cannot blame him
How could he know
That I was just another deer
Roadkill by accident
This time though
I am ready,
No longer a scared girl
I know I won’t let this happen again

Now years have passed
Old scars healed, new ones scabbing
Bandaged up in police tape
Gently trailing the way
Into a fireplace friendship
With curly boy
Who made me lighter
All joy and happy laughs
But like all things, it does unravel
The spark of one bad habit
Naivety swirling in me,
Like that fluoride potion
Logic dissolving like those crystals
Hiding any sign
That this was a road not safe to cross
Yet in I jumped,
My confidence swelling
Until a hand
Came like that heavy truck

I cannot blame him
How could he know
That I was just another deer
Roadkill by accident
This time though
I am honest,
Not believing the strong girl story
I know I will let this happen again

The cycle repeats
Until it has broken
But will these safety scissors
Even graze the steel surface?

(A reflection cycle of trauma and revictimisation ala the freeze/fawn response)