for my dear sweet daughter - sister

        i know where you stand, i have stood there

                it's the cliff, precipice, end of the world and cascading mightily over the side as a tumultuous; furious; swirlingly mad waterfall

                  gushing rushing spilling over the side, pushing hard on your ankles, you stand frozen, paralyzed, unable to move as magnificent unstoppable water forces you to the edge, closer, closer, noise deafening now, cold spray up your nose, in your eyes, shivering jumps to involuntary, out of control

 

 

you have been here before, that is the horror, it feels so familiar but here is the truth; you have not

for she who was already here did not have the skills or the tools or the foresight you now have

        i have seen how deep you have delved. This, is new.

 

when you were so small your little brain could not form the natural formation as intended for you were plastered with the panic of adulting before you should have, those around you forsook their duty; and there were littler ones, you had no choice, love

                              you did the right thing then and the only thing; you do the right thing now, i see how tall you stand even as the trembling would knock you over, no one knows, and so you stand taller 

now

it is hard for your tired brain to trust the future you plant, for you were forced to deny your interior rooms to present to the world your shiny, exemplary magnificence,

                                                      which you did and which you do,            i trust you and see you but

your brain, it isn't sure        you can see you        clearly, can't trust the future you are forming, most comfortable in a role and discombobulated when the role is removed; it was all survival

served you so well, and now

                                       you may put it down for it is no longer needed, necessary, it no longer serves

 

put it down, gently, slowly and remember

                                      he did, he did see so clearly. All he saw is, indeed, within you. You are the one with limited sight, for the pathways needed to actualize, to realize, to manifest

                 they got diverted to where the tragic traumatic emergencies happened regularly and all energy, focus, skill      was redirected, creating your blind spot

                                                              recreating over and over, and you can't see

 

until now

when you are safe, happy alone, content, celibate, aware, seeking

             the fog lifts and it is a time now of discovery, not new exactly, a re mem ber ing and a rediscovery of who you were and who you left behind

 

 

                                 alll that time you could not be seen

                                                         not for you

hidden in masks and roles and caregiving and thankless little lies, supressing, regressing, redressing

 

then, when you were finally ready, 

                                                feeling freedom's whisps blowing a soft sweet smelling breeze across your sun dappled face, calling you on

 

                he saw you

            he saw you and you had not been seen in so very long

 

so you thought that you loved him, that it was true love, real, as he said, that you each recognized a profound connection, a communion, that was physical before you ever spoke, that plenty will spring from nothing

 

                         yes  it is ok you thought that, sweet girl, believed, understandable, expected even

it wasn't correct, but there is no shame in the mistaking

                                                                                                   it was so familiar, as it made you shiver perhaps but those are old pathways of a tired traumatized brain no longer living in the horrors it so well prepared for

                                                               you will feel so light when you put that basket of heaviness down, place it beside you in the grass, step away from the cascading waterfall

                                                            or, i was when i did so i suspect it will be the same for you

 

 

you have such light, such bright light inside of you little one, i see it too, i will not let you let it dim, i know the path you tread timidly, as you dry gently in the sun

                 i can talk to you here, listen to you silently then talk to you here, no one will know

                                                  it's for you

 

like i used to listen for music, answer here but then a little bird asked me, why in wisdom do you chase after someone who does not even want you? Even a small tiny bit?

                                                      i did not know the answer and all i could stammer was,

 

                                         because fear is familiar?