It's not often that I find myself involved in two comedic gems, but it happened last night.

I'd gone with my son-in-law to watch a particularly amateurish production of a Sherlock Holmes play.  I'd been speculating to him about the possibility of ending up sat next to some fat scuzzie - there'd be about an 80% chance in Goole. But after shuffling along our row I was pleasantly surprised to find I wasn't.

But recognizing the bloke had probably been thinking the same, I said to him "I bet you're delighted to be sat next to an ugly fat 'un". (Meaning me).  He laughed.

Then I noticed on his other side was his date and she was an ugly fat 'un.

Boy, did we laugh.

The second nugget happened as I stood having a wazz after the play had ended.

A Scots bloke in the stall next to me asked

"Did you enjoy that?"

I thought it a bit dire but decided to be tactful.

"It was better than stopping in and watching Gogglebox on the telly " I said.

"You're right" he said. " There's so much rubbish on these days"

"Mind you" he said "I saw a good comedy on the other night"

"What was that?" I asked.

"England versus Argentina".