the road

               it is tough

                          friend

 

I have been broken, yes, but not from wickedness. If trouble knew who found me                   all cruelty would cease swimming in a pool of pity,  i don’t talk of what I tend

 

mindfully love my work, strive to rise to the version of me liked best                                                                           the one you sang out, the one who draws others in -- not with pain, not a victim

I can find the me you saw, she is who i became, 

            the me i wanna be, mysterious unknown riddling which

                       lit up a pathway that led me out of that dark, dank prison

 

Why yes I have set you free. I opened the gate and shushed you out of the yard. 

                             Wild animals helped, 

                                                                       too

                                                                                   I think, and will.

 

They say if you save a being’s life, you become responsible for that being. You have saved my life yet i do release you from all responsibility save this: do not vanish, love

                           Do not go where i cannot admire from afar, not to follow

                                                                 do not take from me that which teaches me still

 

I love instructions, containers, feelings of safety where no one rages drunkenly, but quiet calm

     Seeking that I followed every step willingly, silently with great joy and might:

Train for your change is designed, stay open and meet wonder, be not a maddingly sabetour,

count on you, lead the wicked astray, fill up with pride, swagger and stagger both, get through for the win, honor peace, edge of summer, all love,                  stay out tonight

 

Then my beloved beacon went silent and i finally understood it was all different, another now lay with you and seeped into your heart and there is no wickedness in that, none whatsoever it’s just….

                                            Instructions went underground

 

I do not know what i am about or what you are about but i want love so i need to clear through this, or i needed to, do you see? Might you allow me to clear through, deep and sound?

 

                   I ask this here, on these pages, witnessed by the tall trees swaying in summer ocean breezes and silent gulls calling mischievously, 

                                                                          i ask you, because you liked the way i like you, but i also ask the great unknown for i know not if you will hear or grant, 

                         but the great unknown hears me

                                                Always answers, though often not what i thought i wanted

 

I know no other way but to look for what is true.

 

I live alone on a hill, but i can see you, far far far in the distance, frolicking on a green meadows, it’s a mixed blessing, joy, delight, 

               With a bitter twinge of stinging regret, now and then

                                                                                            and longing

What might have been

         how deeply i was seen

              how transformational that was

                   how music changes you to light

 

I held onto you when I needed to, but I also let go

                                                          Grateful for both, and proud

 

throw a silk scarf over the ugly, shark theft of a friend taken, brutality so loud

         Evil unseen, blameless, police at my door, horror of betrayal, frozen paralysis of actions needed against keeping safe, relentless battering of what might or might not be 

 

I have drowned in this sea of the unspeakable, will never utter what i have seen, how terror

         has had its way with me

 

Safe, made it, home alone, evil still lurks down there but my keys are mine, my locks are strong

        I have learned to stand tall, and i do, stand tall

                                                             in the spotlight, blink back tears,

                                                         Speak clearly and honestly to the darkness:

 

                           You. May. Not. Consume. Me. Anymore.

 

I am healing now, slowly and alone and not very lazy

                      I miss my husband and I miss you, necessity dictates i must weepingly process both, or this

         sweet, kind, tall man lurking            won’t find a way in

Healing now, i go deep, explore nuance of every feeling, let loose sarcasm, rage, regret, scathing sweet longing

                            in my safe word space, anonymous, my other name unknown, here you         have a choice for never belonging

 

To be clean, to cleanse, clear, free, to release, forgive, smile at your distance youthful frivolity

I have given up the dreams of my youth but i cannot control the longing

 

Instead of accepting my grand gesture of closure, of cleansing through exposure to light

You

Take her hand and run far far far to the other side of your green mountain ridge so i can’t see

                             not your brilliance, not your love, or anything at all. Utter darkness                           knows again what night is

 

            I hurt you, 

                           or angered you, 

                                                   or scared you, 

                                                                        or disgusted you,        

                                                                                                or offended you

 

can’t know which, because you pulled the curtain on the light, but light is needed to see, see the truth, these truths i am faced with, they are so hard, so excruciating, so isolating, i need light for it is heavy darkness, i look for glimmers, where i can, even in the darkest night

              your light, has so helped, from so far

          Time is tough and the road is hard

 

Turn then. Limit your view. As you must. Do not limit mine. Do not take one thing more from me. 

         Call on your kindness

 

 There is a tiny place though in your heart for me, still

The place where we are alike, the joie de vivre, life force, the je ne sais pas, zest for living, our ka, chi, flame we share, the presence that lights up, lights on within recognizing the other, twin loverless siblings from other families, union gone amiss

          we have a similar exuberance, perhaps because we both almost went down but fighters         with unknown reservoirs of power do NOT, we go on, get stronger

       therefore we 

treasure each moment, honor real people, dismiss imposters, 

                                                                                               create through numerous channels

                                      love deeply, selectively, carefully and then, 

                                      for keeps

 

You take yourself from me; I am left the me I like, as

                                                                    you have lovingly showcased me