(prompted by a funeral I went to yesterday; I didn't offer this poem as a eulogy)

 

I really like a funeral

It's weddings I can't stand

And christenings, come to that

The two go hand in hand.

 

All that bloody joie de vivre

And fucking bonhomie

Just play the fucking “Wedding March”

So we can get some tea.

 

And why'd they think we're interested

To join their wedding do?

And not just for the service 

But the all-day disco too.

 

“You're cordially invited

Next year to Sicily;

Save the date and join us”

Well, fuck RSVP.

 

But funerals are much quicker

Cos when you're gone you're gone

Just black tie and “Abide With Me”

And get the gas turned on.

 

Or listen to some vicar plea

For some departed soul

While others blub; but what I say

Is "Get 'em in the hole".

 

Then head back to the village hall

A bit of weepy woe

Pork pie and cheese sandwiches

And more pork pie-to-go.

 

And when at last my time comes round

No need to wail and weep

No service needed; you'll find me

Chucked on the compost heap.