I bought a pair of denims back in ‘63

You couldn’t help but notice they were tight

Better known as drainpipes to you and me

To get ‘em on they put up quite a fight;

They called them “Shrink-to-Fit”s and so us men

Wore them in the bath these proto-types

They cut me near in half around the abdomen

I confess I looked a twat in my pipes.

 

Salvation was at hand though when that flower-power

Superseded Rockers, Mods and Teds

With fashions brightly coloured and no longer dour

With chains of dandelions round your heads.

My coat proclaimed we were the Peaceful People

It stunk like piss, purporting to be Afghan

Person’lly I blamed it on the Beatles

I confess I looked a twat in my kaftan.

 

Luckily then came along the seventies

With altogether better fashion sense

We didn’t need to love all our enemies

Or burn the joss sticks made of frankincense.

And so I get a pair of Elton’s platform soles

They make me 6 foot nine – or so it feels

I teetered and I tottered round on 6 inch poles

I confess I looked a twat in my heels.

 

Eventually, of course, I came down to earth

I recognised the gross absurdity

They didn’t complement my 42 inch girth

But the next fad fit my belly to a tee.

I refer to kipper ties and those printed shirts

With collars rounded of enormous size

They made the shyest of us into extroverts

I confess I looked a twat in kipper ties.

 

You’ll gather that I’ve tried to be quite dressy

And sucked up latest fashions like a sponge

But then there came a style much more messy

I really seemed well suited to that Grunge.

I wore my breeches showing off my arse crack

With my trolleys pulled up high folks looked askance

But the label reading “Primark” screamed out “Cheap Tack”

I confess I looked a twat in my pants.

 

It seems to me that fashions simply wax and wane

And all they do’s regurgitate old stuff

The old kit in your wardrobe will come back again

You simply need to keep it long enough

But it always seems to suit the slim and thinnies

And not so much us roly-poly types

When I dug out my 40 year old skinnies

I confess I looked a twat in my pipes.