I went to pick up his ancient musket.

But Mustapha the guard shouted, ‘Watch it, western tourist, that’s my only armament, apart from my faith.'

I clicked my camera and strolled away from this old soldier guarding a mosque, so keen was I for another Facebook snap, as I’m an inveterate show off.

Paddling in the cool sea, I was intrigued to see an American woman receive curious looks.

She hadn’t read a memo from the tour company, warning, ‘Don’t wear a bikini.’

Shortly after the surprised sun bather was arrested by the cops.
Then a camel trotted by, offering a ride, and I was deposited alongside a snake charmer.

I let him put his slimy animal around my neck, for a photo opportunity. 
Then, eager to slake my thirst, I found a place serving English tea,
alongside fried chicken from Kentucky.

Sitting down, I discovered a snake under my hat, so fed it titbits.

You see, I had forgiven the slimy creature for nicking my wallet.

For I’d assumed the tour guide had meant the human kind,
when he’d warned about a mysterious pickpocket.

Then wondered, ‘Was the camel in on it?’

The next day I saw a monkey riding said animal, festooned with cameras and wallets.

‘Peace be upon you,’ Mustapha beamed.

But the grinning mischief grabbed his musket.

‘He’s got your gun!’ I cried.

He laughed, ‘Yes, but like everything in this land, it’s only a relic.

‘Besides, animals such as he are revered in this country.

‘In olden days they were used to repel invaders, thus are reputed to possess magical powers.

‘I was brought up in those High Atlas Mountains, son of a muleteer,
carrying adventure tourists on my trusty steed, Mickey the mule.

‘Now his place is taken by Western companies powered by smelly petrol.

‘So I came south to guard this sacred place.

‘I’m like a painting in a gallery, so take a picture.’

Then I cracked a joke, ‘You musket get another gun!’

To my surprise he laughed, ‘Ah, western humour!
I think that was what my English teacher says is a pun.

‘What with McDonalds, Kentucky fried chicken sellers and Facebook,
we are being slowly infiltrated.

‘Still that fellow in the White House warns, ‘Beware the enemy within!’

‘But I warn, ‘Be aware of the enemy without, and his accomplice!’’

The monkey scampered past beach police, who bowed in deference.

Then a camel appeared, with a poster on its expansive rear, advertising a new Moroccan resort, alongside a photograph of the US President.

But Mustapha was watching and declared, ‘We are being taken over.’

Then a mighty wind blew Donald Trump’s image away, and Mustapha added, ‘Well, we’ve got rid of that charming fool, thanks to the spirits of the High Atlas.

'Tourists are all very well, but if we allow him in, it will set a precedent, if you'll pardon the pun.'

Walking away I stopped at the sight of a familiar-looking American woman,
who was still wearing a banned bikini.

‘You’re out of jail,’ I said.

‘Yes,’ she cried, ‘Money talks, especially the dollar!’

But a voice cried, ‘No it doesn’t!’ and she fell on her ass.

Mustapha looked in disbelief at the smoking musket.

I looked around to see the mysterious, still monkeying around, pick pocket.