My mind is hyperactive
For days now
With increasing frequency
Explosions of images
Ideas
Surges of adrenaline
Intense heat compressed beneath my lid
Energy reactivity
A tremendous generation
A fire
I can feel it in the pupils of my eyes
The affects of my surroundings seem brittle
And I see breaking things
It's hard to live with this combatant within
In this fragile world
In my mind
I am in the wild
I am the wild
I hope this is a better week for you.
David
I had an unusually rough week at work.
13 weeks in to my first year teaching in the States and the hostility I see bottled up inside bursting out from these adolescents is just about overwhelming.
A fight broke out in my classroom. I did my best to get between them pleading for it to stop.
It travelled from aft to fore as they moved toward an open space of floor by my desk. I turned and looked at a young man standing behind me shocked in his innocence and told him to get a fucking teacher, to get the fuck out. The ferocity of my voice mixed into that scene I suspect won't soon be forgotten.
I saw a couple of staff members at the door, threw down my clipboard strewing my papers over student desks as I left--an instinct to avoid a situation I might worsen in my state.
I walked down the hall a teacher emerging and all I could feel was anger.
When I returned to the classroom one of the young men had already gone and the other was waiting up front by the whiteboards for the support officer to come for him. I asked him if he was okay or told him I was glad he was okay and I wanted to hug him.
I want to cry but I'm too angry. The lack of interpersonal skills the necessary tools the inability to cope with the pressures that they're forced into and I wander what the fuck I'm doing.
It was a long week
Trouble's been brewing and it showed itself
bare and unmistakable
Now, I get to amble back up the street to home and put my game face on...
Monday morning comes
🌷
Atm it's like emersion in some formless emulsion
Vanilla people--barely entities--declaring the rules for navigating the dark
declaring virtue where it doesn't exist
I'm finding it harder and harder every day to blend into the illusion that I'm the one, that we're the ones disordered and maladapted in this machine
There's the lie
It's a lie
We are making the machine and it is consuming us
I may sound mad but I'm not
Unless madness is emergence
The light of the Sun
in The Allegory of the Cave
xx
love xx
Our inner selves are wild if we unleash them, they are dangerous and destructive, they are also constructive and progressive.
What we should all contemplate is the fact that sometimes progress requires destruction.
Lots of love,
David
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Landi Cruz
Thu 11th Dec 2025 03:11
Thank you, David xx