writing about you feels wrong 
similar to how you felt about everything I did 
and perhaps you were right 
scrutinized for basic human behaviors 
patronized and stigmatized for my presentation 
the stark opposite of the boy who ignores me 
instead, you overwhelm me 

thinking it was a show of love
I felt heavy with regret over who I was 
and how I'd never be the image you wanted 
corralled into a mold 
a box you'd shaped with your skewed mind 
a mind you refused to face, chose instead to hide behind 
you put me on the front lines 

I took every bullet with a smile 
the vest I wore was strong with indifference 
after the firing squad you hired
consistently, lovingly fired 
so tender your voice became once the clothing fell off 
how harsh you became when noise interrupted your game 

the crazy-making ensured that 
I'd never be the same 
nothing can explain my side of the pain 
only I can say, it was us both
who willingly pushed the other away

everyday with you became grey