Goggles of the deep

 

Left alone with the demons that my vices taunt

Sometimes I lay wake at night waiting for them surfaces 

When they don’t show up on time is when I get nervous 

They must be planning something special for the girl with no life convincing herself she has purpose. 

Stockhome to the burdens I was assigned

A long long time ago when my life wasn’t mine 

Chained in my head begging to break free yet petrified of leaving the box I’m in because the box I’m in chose me. 

Like a child in cage I grew, while planning my escape I knew 

what’s left for me outside these walls are all the things I never knew 

The kid in side the walls never leaves because a world of defeat is somehow easier than the unknown. 

So I sit alone, I’ll glorify my intellect in passing and return to the chains I have that I left at home.

 I’ll share my stories and tell them in a way that your poetically impressed with who I am today. 

A lie of person of a girl of life I created with all the imagination we had before we graduated. You’ll leave feeling full and I’ll beg for more to say 

just to slow down the time I have before I land myself between these walls I can not shake with these demons that grow more demanding the longer that I stay.

 A world I hate to love because how easy it would be

If what I knew of life is that everyone else feels the same. 

And these words flow like magic the worse that my head gets. 

And you read what I write down and tell me it’s beautiful while I take the compliment and tell myself all my hurts are now somehow equal. 

I get a life of pain but illustrate my cerebral and you hear it and smile 

and I go on convincing myself that reading that to you somehow is the balance to all these trials.

But deep down you really know the only thing to justify these things would be some fucking help 

because life is unfair and this balance dream is bull shit. 

But most people hear that and think it’s easy, you just “think positive” and “be all you can be” you get through all of this just like I did

But for me it’s a little different, see I’m not coddling insecurities that my childhood gave me. 

For me I’m along for the ride whatever that may be. 

So I’m not being negative when I mention that reality isn’t as pretty as the world that we create 

a world that’s filled with hopes and dreams of becoming somebody else. 

A brand of a human from the magazine you pick through. 

Updates on the queen and prince and what have you. 

See reality is dark and sad. 

Seeing things for what they are is often times a curse when you’re the only with goggles that know which ones worse 

And the connections you make are sacred but no matter who’s around you’re alone in the mind you have that no one knows about. Sometimes in desperation, you try your luck on someone else 

you explain all this truth of life and hope that they can keep up. 

Rarely is this so. 

You go home all the same and just as alone. See this is different for me, so trust me when I say, I feel the words I speak. 

I can’t be fixed with sage and sunshine, I’m not a fellow sheep. 

I’m a fucked up human being, a girl living life and passing time through the goggles of the deep. 

While her demons reconvene, 

left alone in the end begging to be seen.

 But they’ll never see the truth. 

For the only thing I’ve found so far that I can’t contradict that is true is that people born with this curse of mine are far between and few. And here I sit craving for a moment where I’m finally seen by you.

 Painting this world of a person that no one ever knew. 

Until reality decides to remind me that wishing upon fiction never follows through. Left with the reminder that how to work around this mind of mine is the only thing close enough to try and figure out.